Hidden in plain sight

I read a book at the beginning of the year, The Babylon Rite by Tom Knox. In a nutshell, I couldn’t put it down and read it in one sitting. If you’re squeamish, you might want to give it a miss.

What drew me to the book initially is that it started off set in Edinburgh and we all know I love all things Scottish! It starts off with a scene in Rosslyn Chapel and having recently been there, I could relate to the imagery described. My knowledge on the Templars is patchy at best but the topic fascinates me.

Rosslyn Chapel - The symbols in this mantle above one of the doors is just a tiny taste of everything that lies within the rest of the chapel.
Rosslyn Chapel – The symbols in this mantle above one of the doors is just a tiny taste of everything that lies within the rest of the chapel.

I’ll try not to give away any spoilers but I will say the theory presented, while fictional, is interesting nonetheless. The theory that there’s a link between all the ancient religions is set out in a way that is almost plausible. I read somewhere *wish I could remember where* that all the religions are depicted in the carvings at Rosslyn. There’s so much symbolism and imagery in the walls you could spend a significant chunk of time there and never decipher it all.

An interesting idea comes out of the book. The ancient civilizations used pictures, carvings and paintings to document their history. Since the discovery of these glyphs, carvings and pictures, people have been looking for the meaning behind them. It’s assumed that the depictions are metaphorical, maybe even a simplistic view of rituals and customs from a time we are desperate to understand. But what if….. What if what you see is what you get? What if the depictions aren’t symbolic at all but more along the lines of what a photograph would be? An actual representation of ritual and custom? While we’re trying to decipher the hidden meaning, what if the meaning was never meant to be hidden?

Maybe the best place to hide the truth is in plain sight because who’d look for it there?

To be clear, I’m not a scholar in archaeology or theology. I’ve never spent any time attempting to decipher hidden meaning in anything, it’s just never occurred to me to do so.

My interest in this idea is trying to find other places and ways where old wisdom was passed down in plain sight. The clichés we are sick of hearing, what if there’s a fundamental truth at the basis of it? Ancient civilizations had an immense knowledge of nature and the cosmos which seems almost impossible to explain when you look at what they had to work with. So how did they know and have they left clues to that knowledge hidden in plain sight?

There’s an order to the universe, that much cannot be denied. I can’t speak for anyone else but I want to find it for myself. I need order and logic in my life but most days life feels a lot like farting against thunder; pretty damn pointless.

Something as simple as please and thank-you being called the magic words. If you think about it, maybe they are because when you use them, they bring more into your life. Well, they do for me anyway. If someone doesn’t say please or thank-you, they get nothing further out of me. They come across as entitled and rude and I don’t do favours for those kinds of people. When people say please and thank-you, I go the extra mile for them because I know they appreciate it. Maybe that’s the magic in those words. Using them draws more people to want to help you and do things for you. Lack of them pushes supply away. A cliché with a ring of the truth to it.

How many others are out there? They came into being for a reason but overuse has dulled the meaning. It makes me wonder if there’s a cache of old wisdom waiting to be uncovered that’s veiled by the grime of overuse.

This isn’t going to be a quick discovery but I need to find order and meaning for myself. The world as it stands now is draining my will to live; people barking on about everything they’re entitled to for nothing; people being offended because it’s profitable and someone will always be made to pay. Common sense isn’t common anymore and the world is going to hell in a hand basket as a result.

Life was simpler then and that’s what I crave. Simplicity. Order. Harmony. Bliss.

It’s going to take balls to get it done

It’s been a mixed bag this week. My leave of absence ended and I returned to work. It was both better and worse than I expected. For the most part, there were no problems to return to. On the other hand my body has struggled immensely and I’m frustrated.

The train commute has been brutal and by the time I get to the office I feel like I’ve been punched in the kidneys repeatedly. It has left me tired, cranky and irritated by my limitations. A distance I could cover in just over 5 minutes now takes me 25 minutes. I feel broken.

In among getting up to speed on my work, I made some time to research UK visas and the cost has increased significantly since I last applied. It’s good in a way in that the extra cost involved is a health surcharge which goes towards funding the NHS, which is something immigrants and residents have access to. It’s a brilliant service and well worth the charge, no question about that!

It does, however, change the finances of the game and my impulsive decision to be gone by June has been put back into perspective. November was a more realistic target. That has put a damper on my mood somewhat.

Given the financial target I’ve set myself for the year in terms of savings, debt repayment and all the costs involved in relocating, it’s not a far stretch to say that I need to step outside my comfort zone to reach that target.

The mere idea of that terrifies the hell out of me.

To save the money I want and need to do this, I need to consider alternate streams of income. That means taking a chance on something outside of my regular 9-5. It means putting myself out there and risking criticism by putting my creativity on the altar to be judged.

It means I need to put my fear in a neat little box up on the shelf, stop listening to the eternal dialogue of ‘you don’t have what it takes’ and just do it. Take any endeavour in life and look around you; there are people just like you stepping up every day and doing it. Writers writing; painters painting; singers singing. Maybe the fact that we identify ourselves as something other than our passion is the problem here.

On the inside I’m a writer yet when people ask me what I do, I immediately say ‘I’m in finance.’ No. No!

Fear has a very loud voice and a captive audience. We need to stop identifying ourselves by the ball and chain that depletes our will. It’s time to take a risk and put into words what you really are.

I am a writer. I am a photographer. What are you?

There’s no cure for this…

It’s midnight and I’ve been pacing around my apartment unable to sleep. I’m so homesick I want to crawl into a hole and cry. The pull back to Scotland is so bad right now I can’t begin to describe the hollow feeling it leaves behind.

The song by Dougie MacLean ‘Caledonia’ pretty much sums it up right now:

Let me tell you that I love you and I think about you all the time
Caledonia you’re calling me and now I’m going home
But if I should become a stranger you know that it would make me more than sad
Caledonia’s been everything I’ve ever had

I have moved and I’ve kept on moving, proved the points that I needed proving
Lost the friends that I needed losing, found others on the way

Caledonia was the Roman name for the lands north of Britannia. Scotland. There have not been many times in my life when I’ve felt the certainty I feel right now; the certainty that my life is headed down a specific path and nothing is going to stop it. The HOW of it is still out of sight but the certainty is starting to spiral.

I rolled out of bed close to midday today and after making some coffee, I checked my e-mail and blow me over George if there wasn’t an e-mail from my ex. I’m not even sure if ex is the correct term for him as we only dated for a few months. Well, I dated him, he was in it for the sex.

Turns out his agenda hasn’t changed. After the prerequisite chitchat he came right out and asked for it. Just like that. Uh….. what? Haven’t heard from the guy in almost 2 years. Given that I walked away the first time, what in the name of Pluto’s pox-infested grandmother makes you think I’d consider the same arrangement again?

That just rammed another half dozen nails into the ‘oh-HELL-no’ coffin. Between his dumbass and the wind chill of -29C I’m just nailing shit into this coffin all over the place today.

I just found a recipe for hot chocolate with scotch. Man, if it wasn’t so late/early, I’d haul out my beaters to whip some cream and make it. Two birds with one stone, decent Scotch to chase the blues away and hot chocolate to take the cold away. Sadly I’m a considerate neighbour so the whipped cream will have to wait until the sun comes up in the morning.

Here’s the link to the recipe in case anyone is having a hot chocolate/scotch emergency:

http://www.thekitchn.com/a-recipe-for-hot-chocolate-and-whiskey-yes-please-hot-cocoa-kilbeggan-whiskey-the-10-minute-happy-ho-180132

Until then I’m going to go back to listening to Sad FM and hopefully fall asleep before I pace a groove into the carpet.

 

 

 

Life is a banquet

It’s a sunny Wednesday morning and I’m parked on my sofa with a cup of hot chocolate and mini marshmallows. It was a slightly rough start to the morning. My sleep was very broken last night and I woke up cranky and just a tad tired.

I messaged a friend who now lives in Texas; she moved away from Chicago a few months back. She’s a special kind of crazy. A few weeks after moving to Dallas she was in a motorcycle accident which ended with the police and bystanders lifting the car off her body because she wasn’t breathing and they couldn’t wait for the fire department. She lived because they did what they did in the face of a seemingly impossible task. The Dallas PD and those random strangers are why she’s alive today. Her hand was basically reattached and she was back out there doing her thing with a smile because she refuses to be stapled down.

She’s a few years older than me but looks 15 years younger because she makes taking care of herself a priority. She teaches yoga in her spare time, she eats right, she makes time for fun in her life. She lives her life in bright red while most of us plod along living in dull shades of grey. She’s travelled to random places alone; so what if she can’t speak the language; so what if there’s no-one to go with her; she goes anyway. Dog sledding? Why not!

She throws her heart at life, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. Even when it doesn’t, she just does it again somewhere else and the cycle of Kara continues. Her life is full of exotic places and memories most of us are too chicken-shit to try. Yes, I know, not everyone can do that and not everyone wants to. This isn’t a judgement. My point is, are YOU doing what you want to be doing? Are YOU living a life that makes you happy? Are YOU filling your pages with memories or are you living like me? Safely hiding from life so you don’t get hurt, never fully living because you’d rather be safe? Safely surrounded by shades of grey because the colours might hurt?

Some areas of my life have been lived with crazy abandon but not many. There are the crazy memories of diving with Great White sharks in South Africa, going white water rafting in Canada, swimming in the cenotes in Mexico, zip-lining around an obstacle course in England, learning to scuba dive and climbing a Mayan pyramid in the jungles of Mexico. The best memories are of the things that scared me shitless. There’s something to be said about stepping out of my comfort zone, all the best stuff is on the other side of that line. I’ve been fortunate and I’m grateful.

While I don’t have the means to traipse halfway around the world on a mad adventure right now, there’s always room to make happier choices on smaller things.

Everyone should have a Kara in their lives. Someone to remind them to take risks and dare to live gloriously.

I knew a woman many years ago when I lived in South Africa. She was marvelous! An English woman in her 70’s with a boyfriend many years her junior. She wore crazy clothes and beautiful hats; she did yoga every day ‘because it makes you a lot more flexible for great sex my dear’; she travelled wherever the hell she wanted when it pleased her; she indulged in great foods and wines because life should never be boring. Sort of like a Bohemian with expensive taste in pleasure. She brought me back a pair of French lace stockings from one of her trips; the scandalous kind that end just above the knee. This was a woman who never let a damn thing get in her way. Over an afternoon cream tea one weekend she told me if she had to do it again, she’d come back as a courtesan.

Seeing women living large tends to offend quite a few people for some reason. Especially if that woman makes no apology for sucking the juice out of life. A woman who doesn’t care what others think of her is a terrifying creature. For many years I’ve said I would like to be like her when I get older. Well, I’m a decade older than I was the last time I saw her. I don’t know if she’s still alive. I hope so. Have I made a single inroad into living a large colourful life? I don’t think I have. I was called a Renaissance woman a few years back. It was the best compliment I’ve ever received.

I’ve limited myself in the interests of not getting hurt. Here I am, on my sofa, missing out on my life because it’s what I’ve chosen until now. Weeks, months and years have been wasted in an attempt to keep myself from the bumps in the road instead of learning to glide around them. I may never be the type of person who can join in the crowds and dance salsa with a stranger. I can be the type of person who prioritizes pleasures in other things; things that I enjoy doing.

The person I am inside and the reflection in the mirror don’t match. They haven’t for the longest time. I know who I am and it’s time to take her out of storage, regardless of whether it suits anyone else. There’s a possibility I’m going to be that crazy aunt at the dinner table who comes out with something randomly inappropriate at the oddest time. I pretty much do that anyway. Aim to be the bright splash of colour in a world of grey.

birdie

My plan to relocate to Scotland has ruffled a few feathers and I have one friend who categorically thinks it’s a dumb idea. Sorry mate, the road is calling and I must go. I hope one day you follow the road that calls to you and may the wind be at your back when you do. There are people who are born to live and die in one place; who need to be anchored with roots. I am not one of those people. The winds of change whisper and I go. I may be tired and resist the change, but I go anyway because the whispering will not stop until I do. It’s beyond a whisper now. It’s an outright scream in the void and I will go.

The one thing I know for sure is that this will be the last time. I have found the missing piece of the map home and it’s time to complete the journey. The HOW remains to be seen.

Between today and the HOW is the business of living. In the meantime, remember the timeless wisdom of Aunty Mame. ‘Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.’

Dish up a big plate and savour every morsel of it. Now is not the time to be mindful of your figure.

 

The art of doing nothing

I reckon a happy life is built up of a pile of little things that make you happy, rather than a series of huge things. That’s going to be my experiment for this week. Little snippets of happiness wherever I can find them.

Today was a mostly lazy day. I woke up earlier than I’d planned on which was initially annoying but then I figured it gives me more time to do things I want to do.

There’s definite pleasure in easing into your day with a good cup of coffee on the sofa sitting under the skylights on a sunny morning. Granted it was 0°C outside but it was a bright blue sunny day.

I skyped with my ‘husband’ for 2 hours while he was cooking up a storm for dinner guests 6 time zones away, with him imparting culinary knowledge along the way. He’s the only person I know who gets home from work at 8pm then ‘quickly roasts a chicken’ for dinner on a week night as a regular thing. #lunatic. Today he was making curry with all the accompaniments. It looked GOOD!

He’s going to teach me how to spatchcock a chicken over Skype one weekend. If someone can quickly roast a chicken for dinner, then I need to know how to do that! He definitely doesn’t save fancy meals for weekends only. He’s a regular Jamie Oliver, only better looking and infinitely more interesting.

He gave me his mom’s recipe for pea and ham soup so I made that for lunch. OMG delish! I’ve never made it from scratch before and I bought the goodies to make it so it was good having adult supervision. Score 1 for cooking something new and trying a new recipe (even if it wasn’t from my crazy collection of recipe books!)

The makings of yumminess!
The makings of yumminess!
The end result - get in muh belly!
The end result – get in muh belly!

The afternoon was spent under my blankie reading my Kindle, incense burning on the table and a glass of good Scotch. I also wiped down all of my orchid leaves with a damp cloth which I haven’t done, ever. They’re all sparkly and fresh now.

Today’s gratitude is for skylights on a sunny day, comfort food from my childhood, a great Scotch, a crazy friend to laugh with and having absolutely nothing urgent that needed taking care of. I walked a whole 0.56 miles today according to my Fitbit and I’m ok with that.

I’m planning to get outside tomorrow for my first decent walk since the surgery to see how far I can go without needing a nap. It’s probably only going to be laps around my apartment complex but it’s a start for now. Baby steps.

Somehow things got done without any conscious plan to do so and no list of things to tick off. Life had its own effortless rhythm. Here’s to many more days just like today.

 

Start as you mean to continue

It’s the end of the first day of a new vintage. If ever there’s a day when motivation levels are sky high and things are going to get done, it’s today.

As I’ve already posted something for today I’ll keep this brief. One of my goals towards finding balance was to restart my gratitude journal with 5 things I can be grateful for each day. No time like the present to get a wiggle on with that, so here goes:

Today I’m grateful for a truly spectacular snowy sunset. It was totally worth freezing my butt off to get a picture of it.

Sunset 2

I’m grateful for spending a great evening with my family last night over a delicious dinner, even though we all fell asleep before the New Year 🙂 It’s what makes us special!

The Christmas tree came down and there was not a single decoration fatality this year so YAY! I also managed to Tetris it all back into the storage boxes exactly right so WIN!

I did a short drive today and feel pretty good so that’s huge progress for me. I’ve missed being able to drive myself around.

Tubby-time Skype with my crazy friend. We both lay in our respective tubs 6 time zones apart having a chat and a chortle. I can officially say our friendship has moved to a new level of nuts. While taking a swig out of my water bottle I got asked if I was sipping shampoo. This is probably how warning labels come into being… Mykal, never change dude. EVER! You rock!

Now I’m all good and clean and fresh tra la la under my blankie savouring a good Scotch. May every day end this perfectly.

 

 

It’s a New Year chaps!

The gift of a clean slate and a New Year. While this might seem a tad trite, remember how many people haven’t made it to today.

I started this blog for a few reasons:

My friends kept ‘reminding’ me to do it.

I wanted a place to put all my incoherent ramblings into one neat package. #OCDproblems

To write my way through finding balance in my life.

I’m sure there are other reasons but my short-term memory is shot to hell. It’s an ongoing source of amusement for my family. I apparently picked out my Christmas gift from my brother and sister-in-law (also referred to as my sister) and I don’t remember ever doing that. I opened my gift and it was still a total surprise. I do appreciate my excellent taste though.

I can’t settle on a hard and fast definition of balance that suits me. In my head it looks a bit like life flowing smoothly while I serenely float through my days not letting the petty details sink my boat. I can hear my family laughing hysterically at this as I have the world’s shortest fuse and everything grinds my gears.

There was a period when I was still living in South Africa when my life was pretty serene. That’s not to say there weren’t things getting in the way and it was all honey and roses. The usual chaos was still there but I had a handle on living with it.

I took the dog for a walk along the coast every morning before work. I kept a diary of 5 things I was grateful for each day, however small and insignificant they were. I ate right. I got enough rest. I made time to read up on things that interested me.

For the life of me I can’t figure out why I let it all slide back into chaos. My OCD is legendary to anyone who knows me.

There’s no reason why I can’t go back to this way of living now. It would probably mean not reading the news for extended periods of time because let’s be real, it’s outright depressing. Mass shootings. Presidential candidates and their crazy mudslinging matches for heaven knows how many more months. War. Terrorism. Natural disasters and all the ways Mother Nature is losing her mind. Everything causes cancer until it turns out it’s good for you. Chemicals in everything. Blah blah and the rest of it.

Yeah, so that’s gotta go. (Let’s see how long that lasts…. I get bored and flip through all the online news sites a dozen times a day.)

Being a Gemini means each of my ‘personalities’ has their own hobbies and interests. This in turn means I’ve subscribed to piles of newsletters, blogs and the rest of it hoping that somewhere in among all of that is the meaning of life question that’s finally been answered. My inbox takes up a huge chunk of my day just deleting and filing piles of stuff I can’t find the time to read.

It’s time to click ‘unsubscribe’ me thinks. I follow a few blogs that consistently post meaningful articles; the rest need to go. Step 1 in restoring order and buying me some extra time in the day.

Step 2 is going to be restarting my daily gratitude journal. Even on the worst days possible, there’s something to be grateful for, even if it’s just that you didn’t fall under the train.

Step 3 is going to be sorting through the organized clutter in my apartment. I downsized my apartment about a year ago and got rid of a pile of stuff on Freecycle. It’s a free site where you load items that you no longer want/need and you gift them to people who can use it. Gifting is entirely discretional but no money ever changes hands. It’s a friendlier way of disposing of stuff that’s still useful, but no longer useful to you. Why send it to landfill when someone else can get some more use out of it? Consider it if it’s in your area.

I have a pile of recipe books. I love books in general. I will pay to ship my books each time I move, I don’t care. Somehow my recipe book collection has taken on a life of its own. It’s time to pick a book and find new favourite foods. Either that or find a new home for the books. Many years ago I read a quote: Do not keep anything in your home that you do not believe to be either beautiful or useful. (Or something to that effect.) Words to live by. Somewhere in those books are meals that might just be the trick to shifting some of the extra fluff around my middle section. There’s no reason I need to live on the same small selection of meals when there’s a world of yummy out there waiting to be tasted.

People tackle weight loss as a chore. While it’s certainly not the most fun you can have in a day, there’s no reason it needs to be the bane of your life. Nowhere is it written that ‘dieting’ has to taste like shit. If it is written down somewhere, I’ve probably clicked ‘unsubscribe’ on it. Life also doesn’t have to be a constant battle of trying to diet or dying to try it? I ate myself into this mess, I’m going to eat my way right back out of it.

In fact, I think I’ll put the concept of dieting on my list of things to forget. Diet spells deprivation in my head and in the words of Sweet Brown: “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

I’m fortunate that my daily commute involves 2 miles of walking 5 days a week. Actually, it’s only fortunate on days it’s not snowing. On snowy days it sucks! That reminds me, I should get a dog… Someone please remind me because I will forget. I want one of these:

muh puppy!

Run along chaps. It’s time to start working on your 2016 vintage.

BYE BYE 2015! It’s Hogmanay!!!

Scots are celebrating Hogmanay, the New Year’s Eve celebration that puts Christmas festivities to shame. It’s the only way to end one year and usher in the next one. Not having celebrated one in Scotland yet I envision something that pretty much lives up to the American mantra of GO BIG OR GO HOME!

As for the rest of us, it’s that day of the year again where we all sit around reflecting on what happened in the past year. For some of us that means sitting around completely depressed that once again, we failed to accomplish anything on our list of resolutions and there’s now ANOTHER 10 lbs added to the list of things to take care of in the New Year.

New Year’s Eve has traditionally been my Groundhog Day. Drowning my sorrows in a glass of wine so I wouldn’t have to admit to being a lazy cow with no motivation or discipline to see anything through.

I can’t honestly remember everything that was on my list of resolutions for 2015 though I’m fairly certain I didn’t accomplish many of them.

If I had to hazard a guess it would be the usual culprits:

Lose 20 lbs  – I lost the same 1 lb about 6 times if that counts for anything

Start yoga – Nope. Still haven’t done this.

Find a fulfilling job –  Instead I got a promotion so now I’m now doing MORE of the same work that drives me nuts.

Start WRITING! – well…….. I guess I technically might have done some of this though more for my own eyes instead of an audience.

Meet a guy – BAHAHAHAHA no. I didn’t do this either.

Find balance and order in my life – I did for about 2 weeks when I was in Scotland. Now that I know what this mystical goal looks like, I can work on getting it back.

It’s very easy to dwell on everything we haven’t done and pile on the self-loathing as punishment for yet another failed attempt at living the dream. This year I’m opting out of my Groundhog Day.

Sure, there’s a pile of things I didn’t do this year. I’m sure the list above isn’t an all-inclusive inventory of my failings for 2015 but there’s exactly nothing I can do to rewrite any of those days at the finish line. So I’m not going to get my knickers in a twist about it today.

What I am going to do is look at what I did do, albeit unexpectedly:

I found the place I’ve been homesick for since the beginning of time.

I finally had the surgery I’ve been fighting for over the past decade and I’m healing ahead of schedule. I’m eternally grateful for finding just the right doctor, she’s an angel! I finally have my body and sanity back. RIP shark week, it’s been real.

I caught up with old friends I haven’t seen in years and had an amazing time with them in Scotland. It was too short but I’ll be home soon so it’s all good. One of them was a school friend I haven’t seen since I left high school in 1994! We’ve Skyped every week for over a year but getting to be in the same place and catch up was incredible! If you’ve lost touch with old friends, look them up again. It’s a pile of good times just waiting to happen.

I got a promotion. Granted, it’s not the dream job I was looking for at the beginning of the year but it’s put me in a better position financially for a job I was already doing. That’s a plus.

I’ve ‘met’ some incredible people on Myfitnesspal (which is brilliant free site that I use in my quest to lose the stubborn 20 lbs – give it a go if you have poundage to shift). They’re an amazing bunch of nutters. One of them popped into Chicago for a long weekend and we got to meet up and had a great day. There’s definitely something to be said for virtual friends. Sure, there are crazies out there, you just need to find the crazies that fit for you. I’ve definitely found mine. We ‘chat’ daily and it’s like having coffee with the girls. We’re all headed in the same direction and that’s what matters.

I finally went to Madison County to take the photos I’ve been threatening to take since I got here 5 years ago. I opted out of my birthday this year and booked a spur of the moment trip to Iowa. I holed up in a one horse town in the middle of nowhere and went to see the covered bridges from the movie, The Bridges of Madison County. I hope it’s the beginning of a new annual tradition of going somewhere I’ve always wanted to go.

Roseman Bridge Imes Bridge Holliwell Bridge Holliwell 2 Imes 2 Hogback Bridge Graffiti Cutler-Donahue Bridge Cedar sepia

I took a solo trip abroad. I never thought I’d ever manage that in a million years. I’ve traveled alone numerous times but not taken an entire vacation solo. I might be crazy and a slight gypsy but deep down I’m a bit of a pansy. It turns out I can do stuff on my own without melting. I don’t have to have someone in my life to be able to live. While I did meet up with friends for a few days, the bulk of my trip to Scotland was solo.

I took a photography class. It’s been on my bucket list for years. There was a Groupon and I finally mustered up the courage to do it. There’s still a lot to learn and I love doing it.

I filed my citizenship papers. In a few short weeks I’ll finally have something other than my ball-and-chain South African passport. This will open up a pile of places to travel to without the fuss of needing a visa. Oh happy days!

My friends have hounded me to start a blog for ages so here I am. It’s the last day of 2015 and it is done. It never hurts to squeeze in one last goal at the finish line.

While I accomplished exactly nothing that I set out to do, I’ve done more of the things that actually matter to me. That’s what I’m taking with me from 2015.

It was a good vintage.

 

 

It all started a long, long time ago….

For as long as I can remember I’ve been homesick for a place I wasn’t sure existed. I’ve constantly moved around, hoping to accidentally stumble on the place to call home. 16 moves, 3 countries and 10 years later, I’ve finally found it.

I left South Africa in 2005 and relocated my life, a piano and 2 boxes of books to Dorset, England and set up a life for a few years. During that time I made 2 trips to Scotland and both times it felt like I’d gone home. My DNA seems to unravel on the shores of Loch Ness. I become an emotional blithering heap of crazy when I stand next to that Loch.

Loch Ness with the mist rolling in.
Loch Ness with the mist rolling in.

One of my pet projects in 2015 was to do my family tree. I managed to trace some branches on my Dad’s side back to the late 1500’s. There are strong ties to England, Wales and Ireland. The only link I couldn’t find was to Scotland. The one place that feels like home. Oh the irony….

I got fed up with life in England and the plan was to relocate myself to Edinburgh but then life got in the way. I headed west instead of north and ended up in Chicago in 2010. Because that’s the same…

I’ve been a fish out of water ever since. On a whim I booked a trip to Scotland for my 2 week vacation this year. The urge got to the point where it was go to Scotland or go insane. Scotland seemed like the cheaper alternative. So I went. Home.

For 2 blissful weeks order and balance were restored and life flowed effortlessly. Then the hourglass ran out and I had to put my butt onto a stupid-o-clock flight out of Edinburgh. I’ve been homesick ever since.

Where there was order there is now chaos. Where there was sense there is now confusion. Total mayhem has replaced the mental balance. I know where I need to be and it’s going to mean rearranging my entire universe to get back there. So be it.

On Friday, November 13, 2015 I stood next to Loch Ness and promised myself I would be home in 1 year.

My balance and bliss need to be restored. I have no idea how to do that but I’m game to figure it out on the road back home.

Little Choices

At every major juncture in life there is a choice which will inevitably change the course of your life beyond that point. We’re very good at postponing our happiness until we reach one of these pivotal milestones. ‘When I finish college…’, ‘when I get married….’, ‘when we have kids…’ blah blah. The list is endless. For some inexplicable reason happiness can only ever be measured by these mile markers along the road of life.

What we fail to realize is that it’s the little choices at every turn that shape which major milestones we’ll eventually pass along the way. Not every road passes the College sign, or the turn-off to Marriage and Kids.

We’re so hung up on looking for the big stuff that the little details fall by the wayside, unnoticed and ignored.

Hindsight will eventually let you see those details for what they are. Life. Those details are your life. Maybe by the time you opt to use the Hindsight feature, it’s too late to change anything.

I’ve been battling the meaning of life questions internally for 2 decades. I’ve had some epiphanies along the way. I’ve also found more questions which have driven me to endless distraction. What it usually boils down to is the bottomless question of: What am I meant to be doing with my life? What will make me happy? What am I missing?!

It turns out those weren’t the right questions. Not for me anyway. They’re more like sub-questions inside of a larger problem. My question has always been: where do I belong? Through a long convoluted and serendipitous set of events, I ended up spending my 2 week vacation in Scotland this year. It was the best impulsive decision I’ve made in years! In the space of 2 short weeks I found what I’ve been searching for all this time: Balance, beauty and bliss.

Almost 3 weeks after returning from Scotland I had a hysterectomy. That was 10 days ago. It’s hard to believe that a month ago I was 4,000 miles away from where I am now. I’m not feeling particularly balanced, blissful or much in the mood to find the beauty in the details right now.

On Friday, 13th November 2015 I stood on the shores of Loch Ness in the rain, watching the mist roll in over the water. I stood under a tree at the water’s edge and made a promise. I bought 2 crystals in Edinburgh, Falcon’s Eyes, and I tossed one of them into the Loch. The other went into my bra next to my heart where it stayed every day until I went into the hospital; an invisible tie to the one place on earth I felt most at home. It’s a constant reminder to keep the promise I made that day; to find my way home, no matter what it takes. I gave myself 1 year to make good on that promise.

Scotland brought me balance, beauty and bliss. Spiritual and emotional balance. The details that bog down my daily existence stateside didn’t make an appearance at all while I was there. I wasn’t calorie-obsessed like I am here. If I wanted a cream tea, I had one. I fed myself delicious foods in just the right quantities. Nothing was supersized and it was easier to buy food that wasn’t caked in chemicals and artificial crap. I’m not saying those options weren’t around, they just weren’t as prevalent. Food was a pleasure, not a daily demon to be fought.

In the 2 weeks I was there I had either breakfast or afternoon tea at the same coffee shop on the corner every day. I ate my way through a chunk of their menu. Seriously, they should pay their chef whatever the hell he wants because it was sublime. The staff came over to say goodbye on the last day I was there. All of them. They were such a brilliant bunch.

There was beauty in everything. The architecture, the history, the people, the countryside. The Highlands were breathtakingly beautiful despite the desolation of winter. I’m not religious but I went into churches and cathedrals to soak up the silence and beauty of it all. There was so much detail in the carvings and glass that you could spend weeks there and not see all the meaning hidden in the details.

Finding balance and being surrounded by the beauty of the place led to pure bliss. It rained most days yet walking out in the rain didn’t make me cranky. There was so much to see and hear and taste that the rain was just another detail in the daily tapestry of Scottish life.

There’s something that has drawn me to that place for as long as I can remember. This was not my first trip there and each time the feeling has been the same: I’m finally home.

Leaving this time was the hardest thing I’ve done in years. I couldn’t stop the tears when the plane left the tarmac and headed south to London.

It feels like a lifetime ago since I left and a lot has changed since I got back to Chicago. My body has undergone a bit of an adjustment and is still recovering. Work is still the same and I know it needs to change. Food has once again become a daily battle and the balance I brought back with me has been replaced with internal chaos.

I’ve just hurtled past the ‘NO KIDS’ mile marker on my path. I’m not entirely sure what the next major intersection is going to be, I’m hoping it is a one way ticket to Edinburgh International but that remains to be seen.

The reality vs. the expectation for the surgery ended up poles apart. I was expecting it to be more painful and traumatic than it has been. That’s in large part thanks to my doctor, who I’m sure is an angel, and the stellar nurses who looked after me in hospital. They were absolute angels and I’m sure it could have gone very differently had they not been part of my care.

Strangely enough, the hardest part of it all has been the limitations. I cannot drive for a few weeks, I’m largely dependent on others for help which is something I’m finding hard to adjust to. I’m used to getting things done and being the one others rely on for help. Being the helpless one has been difficult and has had me in tears in my bed more than once. I’m SO grateful to my sister for everything she’s doing for me, she’s been my rock since the op and there’s no measure of thanks that would do her justice.

What I didn’t expect was the absence of friends. People I thought would be there haven’t been and that’s been gutting. I guess I expected they would help me in the ways I’ve helped them and that hasn’t been the case. It’s been hard to accept that they haven’t been there when I’ve needed them but it is what it is. It has made me question my role in their lives and the level of care I put into others at the expense of my sanity. My priorities need to shift because at the moment they’ve heavily stacked on the ‘what’s good for everyone else’ side of the equation. There’s no balance.

Between today and tomorrow are a bunch of little choices and teeny little winding roads that can be taken. In among all of that is balance, beauty and bliss. There’s also chaos, carnage and mayhem if I don’t choose wisely.

Whatever meaning of life questions you’re grappling with right now, pick one thing (or 3) that you know brings you a measure of peace and happiness. Once you have that, start looking for the little decisions that will take you to more of that. It is the consistent choices in favor of your goal that will eventually get you there.