Been a while!

Half of the year has flown by already. It’s been a productive and crazy year so far. At the end of January I sat down and got serious about what needed to change this year. A month after most people make their resolutions for the year, I finally made some space to do the same. Of course, the same 4 culprits ended up on the menu: sort the job, get rid of lingering debt, get my love life out of storage and deal with my weight and health.

I’m pleased to report that I finally quit the job that was eroding my will to live and started at a new place. It’s been an adjustment but the positives outweigh the negatives so far. By a lot! So check item 1 off the list.

Shortly after starting the job, I decided to take the plunge and start dating again. I’ve met someone who makes me happy, even though the geography of it sucks but we’re figuring it out. Hence the lack of free time to write as much as I usually do. Racking up the miles between Illinois and Michigan! We definitely challenge each other because we’re opposite in a lot of ways, but we’re the same in the ways that matter so it’s working out so far. Check item 3 off the list.

I’ve made a dent in the lingering debt and have a solid plan drawn up to get it all gone within 10 months and the new job is going a long way to making the plan work. So item 2 is an ongoing work in progress and I can SEE the progress, which is a huge motivator in seeing it through.

That leaves item 4. Health and weight. The ongoing anchor that I drag through every single year without making any tangible or concerted effort to address the problem. The first 6 months of the year have been busy and I can see progress in the other 3 areas on my list. That leaves 6 months to tackle the 1 item remaining. I started yesterday. Of course, a Monday. It’s in the rules somewhere. As to how I’m going to make it work, that’s not set in stone. The goal is set at 20 lbs, so now to get to work on it. Here’s to checking off all 4 goals by December 31st! 2018 is definitely shaping up to be a great vintage!

Moonshine, IL and a jaunt through Casey

I stumbled across Moonshine, IL completely by accident. It’s a known fact that the internet is just a huge rabbit hole and in a few short clicks you’ve fallen in. What starts off as an internet search for one thing can end up light years away in a few simple clicks. That’s what happened on Friday. I’m not entirely sure what I was looking for, but I ended up on a list called ‘219 weird and usual things to do in Illinois.’

If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you will be familiar with my weird fascination with cemeteries. That was the first thing that caught my eye on the list; a witch’s grave in St. Omer Cemetery about 170 miles south of where I live. A few clicks later I was on a page for Moonshine, IL; according to the online reviews, this place makes the best burgers EVER. Moonshine is  30 miles south of St Omer so figured why not? 2 birds, one road trip.

Moonshine Store, IL

Moonshine is one building with a population of 2 people. It is a simple old-style store along a county road located at a crossroad. It would be difficult to find without the modern wonder of GPS. There is nothing else for miles. They are open from 6am – 12:30, 6 days a week. Given that it is a 3 hour trip from my house, it made sense to stop there first because there’s no closing time at the bone orchard. The food was on a time limit. The weather was not great so luckily I had the store to myself until another family arrived. Apparently it’s usually packed! This is a cash-only store but no fear, there’s an ATM in the store if you find yourself short of cash. There is a $3 charge to use the ATM.

I got chatting to the couple manning the grill. What great people! The decor is eclectic and it feels like time stopped somewhere in the 50’s. It’s how I imagine all the stores are along Route 66. Vintage. Rustic. Brilliant!

Moonshine Store, IL
Moonshine Store, IL

I let them order me whatever they felt like making which turned out to be a bacon cheeseburger. Fresh hand-made beef patty which was so juicy, a slab of cheese topped with crispy bacon on the softest bun I’ve had in ages. It’s about the size of a paper plate so take your appetite! I sat outside on the little wooden bench on the porch, under cover watching the rain. A few more cars pulled up. The lady behind the counter suggested I head back into Casey and handed me a map of sights that I absolutely HAD to see.

Bacon and cheeseburger from the Moonshine Store, IL

What started out as a trip for a burger and a bone orchard turned into a trip through small town America. Heading north I turned right at the only set of traffic lights in Casey. About a block up that road, I came to the world’s largest rocking chair across the road from the world’s largest wind chimes! If you’ve ever wondered what people do in small towns, wonder no more!

Casey, IL

This little Illinois town is home to some of the world’s largest oddities. In the space of 3 blocks, you can see the world’s largest rocking chair, wind chimes, spinning top, pencil, mailbox and wooden shoes. Drive a mile or three and you’re at the world’s largest golf tee and pitchfork. Heading north out of town, pull into the JJet car park and you’ll find the world’s largest rocking horse on the porch.

World's largest pitchfork,
World’s largest pitchfork, anyone?
The world's largest rocking horse
The world’s largest rocking horse, under the porch at JJet.
The world's largest wooden shoes.
The world’s largest wooden shoes.
World's largest pencil
For all your stationery needs, the world’s largest pencil!

The world's largest rocking chair, Casey, IL
The world’s largest rocking chair, Casey, IL
World’s Largest Wind chimes, Casey, IL
There’s a helpful signpost with what to see and where.
World's Largest windchimes
World’s Largest Wind chimes, Casey, IL

You can access the wind chimes through the cafe next door. You can pull the rope and ring the chimes for free!

The largest wooden shoes are in a little souvenir shop behind the world’s largest mailbox. Be sure to stop in and pick up a postcard. The friendly staff behind the counter will happily put a stamp on it for you and you can hoof up 4 flights of stairs into the mailbox to mail them off. It will be postmarked from ‘The World’s Largest Mailbox’. I mailed myself a postcard! They sell international stamps as well if you’re visiting from abroad and want to send one home.

The world's largest mailbox.
The world’s largest mailbox. Climb inside and mail off some bills!

St Omer Cemetery

The cemetery is about 30 miles north of Casey down a 2 track road into the bush. Don’t worry, it’s not as creepy as it sounds. I was the only person there. It’s not a large  cemetery and when you stand facing it, Caroline Barnes’ grave is in the far right hand corner, under a tree. All the other graves are in neat rows,  facing east/west. Caroline’s grave is under the tree, facing north/south. The headstone is a ball on top of a pile of wood. This is meant to be symbolic of a witch’s crystal ball and the pyre of wood she was allegedly burned on.

The road to the cemetery
The witch who died on Feb 31st, 1882
Caroline Barnes' grave
The Witch and the Wood Pyre
Caroline Barnes' grave
Buried under a tree in St. Omer Cemetery

Some say she was burned, others say she was hanged and then buried. Local legend has a way of changing depending on who you’re speaking to. The oddity is the date of death on her headstone. Feb 31, 1882, the day that never was. This oddity is what keeps people visiting the cemetery long after she would probably have faded into obscurity.

Again, depending on who you speak to, some say the date was merely a typo on the headstone but it was too expensive to rectify so it was left as is. Others believe the date was intentional. It was believed that a witch’s spirit could return on the anniversary of her death so by making the date impossible, she would never be able to return. I know which version of the story I prefer. It’s infinitely more intriguing having a feared witch buried under a headstone designed to keep her in the Otherworld than a simple typo on a headstone accidentally facing the wrong direction.

The tree that turned the road – this road was straight for miles until it reached this tree
The moon over an open field in the middle of nowhere

The internet is a treasure trove of weird and wonderful things. A great day out is just one rabbit hole away!

 

New Year’s Resolutions – so are we doing this or what?

 

2017 is done and dusted and once again it’s time to look ahead with the proverbial list of New Year’s Resolutions in hand of everything we’re going to do this year. The list looks a lot like the list at the beginning of last year, and the year before that… It’s easy to be full of optimism with the promise of a fresh slate ahead and the motivation to get it done.

But how are YOU different today? What magically changed when the clock struck midnight? The chances are your mindset today is exactly the same as it was yesterday, except today there’s a bit a bit more enthusiasm to tackle the endless list of things we want to change about our lives and selves. I recently watched a video a friend posted and the speaker made an excellent point. We treat things like our health and relationships as events when they should be a lifestyle.

If you think about it, he’s spot on. An event is an optional one-time thing but a lifestyle is every day. When you put your goal weight up as something to achieve, how likely is it that you’ll stick to it? I haven’t. I have never made healthy living a lifestyle, only a goal on a list somewhere that I may or may not get around to. I’ll always be the person who will choose a good book over going to the gym or going for a long walk. I know this about myself. Standing at the starting line of a new year is the same person who crossed the finish line last year. I am not different so the question becomes what will I DO differently this year?

Health isn’t something you arrive at. It’s something you live. You don’t go to bed overweight and unhealthy then wake up svelte and glowing. Health is lived consciously. Make better decisions in order to remove the things that degrade your body; manage your stress and move your body. Automatically reaching for a double sugar, extra cream coffee to start your day isn’t going to magically bring you a different result just because you want it to. Personally most of my food choices are automatic because I know I like them and that’s one less decision I need to make when I’m tired. The problem is the automatic choice isn’t the right one if I’m aiming to change my body and health so it has to be a conscious decision if I want a different result.

Another caveat is that you have to be willing to accept where you are now. It’s not easy, believe me I know. It’s not easy to look in the mirror and take stock of it all. Denying the problem will not drive you to solve it. You have to admit that it’s broken before you can fix it. Tell it like it is in all its brutal honesty. Take responsibility for what you’ve created to this point and do not blame someone or something else for your predicament. It is very important that you understand this.

Let me give you an example. About 5 years ago, I sorted my health out and dropped 20 lbs over the course of a year. I’d finally done what I’d wanted to do for years and was so proud of what I’d accomplished. Then winter rolled around and for the first time in my life I experienced Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’d always laughed SAD off as a fluffy condition that couldn’t possibly be real. Oh was I wrong! It was the roughest winter I’d ever experienced until that point and I went into depression virtually overnight. The smallest thing felt impossible to cope with. My energy levels disappeared, I could barely function; mentally it felt like a black hole and it came out of nowhere. I went to see my doctor and being in Murica, I walked out with a prescription for anti-depressants. What she failed to mention was that anti-depressants have weight gain as a side-effect. I went up 17 lbs in 6 weeks without changing a single thing about my diet. A year’s worth of effort was wiped out in just over a month.

I’ve blamed that medication for my current weight for 5 years now. Sure, the weight gain in that instance was not necessarily my fault but it was MY responsibility. I could have asked about the side effects before blindly accepting that prescription but I didn’t. There are alternative ways to deal with depression but I chose the quick fix. I am responsible for my health, not my doctor so I decide what goes into my body, no-one else. The event that derailed my weight was not my fault but I’ve spent the past 5 years using it as an excuse. Having an excuse just means having a reason not to do anything about it but taking responsibility changes the game. Taking responsibility means taking the reins and dealing with what needs to be done.

It’s time to ditch the blame because it’s just an excuse not to change. Take responsibility for getting to where you need to be. No-one is coming to do it for us so we can step up and deal with it, or go back and crawl under the comfort of our excuses. For our life to change, our lifestyle has to change. Health isn’t a pet project; it’s a commitment. Relationships aren’t a part-time event; they’re an ongoing work-in-progress. Building a business isn’t a 6 week crash course; it’s a constant game of change and adapt. Decide what is worth living every day because that’s what it’s going to take. Decide. Then go and live it.

Ireland 2017

I arrived Saturday totally exhausted after a full day working on Friday, an overnight flight and a 5 hour drive. Tra Ruimm is way off the beaten track. Kilcrohane is the nearest village and there is literally nothing around here. Just green fields, heather-covered hills, cows and 1 lane roads made for 2 way traffic.

The roads are about a lane and a half wide; some places just a lane. Speed limit is between 80 – 100 kph but as the farmer who owns the cottage pointed out, it’s a maximum, not a target! I found religion on those tiny corners!

Saturday night was bar none, the best nap I’ve had in years! For the first time in years, I slept without earplugs because other than crickets, it was total silence. No cars, no honking, no sirens, planes, people or life to be heard. Pure heaven! THIS is how I imagine my life. So far off the grid that Google maps goes offline, the internet signal is dodgy, the people all know each other, the village shop is open when it’s open, closed when it’s closed and the nearest town for fuel is about 40 kms away, along with the decent-sized grocery store.

Today I took a walk down the hill to the coast, past cows and through mud. The walk UP the hill was another story altogether. Oooof I’m unfit for hills! The views are just gorgeous and the solitude and silence has restored my balance in a way I’d only hoped it would. Last night the farmer’s wife popped in with a bag of breakfast ingredients. What an angel! The best bacon and sausages I’ve had in years, fresh eggs, some milk and white pudding, which I hadn’t had before. Was a bit skeptical about the white pudding but it’s always good to try new things. Holy cow, YUM!!! I’ve already hit up Google to find where to buy it when I get back stateside. I’ll probably have cholesterol when I get back but I really can’t find a damn to give about that.

Irish coffee has been the first order of business every morning so will be ramming my luggage full of proper coffee before I leave.

Nature knows…. pretty much everything.

Meditation has taken a backseat lately and it shows in the chaos. I’m a master of creative excuses when I don’t want to do something. Thankfully my OCD hates mess and the garden was starting to look a tad tatty so I went out this afternoon and cleaned up all the sprouting seeds under the bird feeders. My menagerie of critters certainly leave a sprinkling of shells all over the place. Can’t blame them really, not having opposable thumbs and all.

Turns out the garden was just what the doctor ordered because gardening really is the only thing I’ve ever found that switches my brain off completely. When I’m gardening, I just am. One garbage bag later and it started thundering so had to call it a day. Once the sun went down and it cooled off a bit, I took the camping blankie outside and parked it between 2 small bushes and lay down; my head in the garden and my feet on the wet grass. Grounding is something I haven’t done in a while; where you walk barefoot in nature and just feel the earth underfoot. Very relaxing. Well, it is for me anyway.

Life is chaotic. We’re all stuck in varying depths of stress; that’s just how the cookie crumbles. Avoiding meditation lately has basically left me swimming in stress without my floaties. Lying between the bushes staring at the sky is a good place to think. There were also fireflies for a bit of a show. Nature has answers if you’re willing to go there with your questions.

In nature it is literally adapt or die. Plants and animals that cannot adapt to their environment will die. The environment does not adapt to suit them; it is them that must adapt to suit the environment. Trees that don’t bend in the storms will break. Plants must bloom where they are planted or die. There’s no option to relocate themselves to somewhere better if they don’t like their spot. Live in harmony with creatures around them or die. Follow instincts or die. There’s no grey area.

Animals naturally follow the instincts they were born with. Those that don’t, do not survive long. Humans have instinct and intuition and we spend lifetimes overriding those things. When last did you trust your intuition without question? Or trust your instincts in a shitty situation? Instead we follow the guidelines society gives us, which turns out to be a load of shite most of the time.

We don’t adapt to our environments; instead we destroy our environments in an attempt to make it conform to what we need. We try to contain nature and make it bend to our will. It does to an extent but when it lashes out, there’s nowhere to hide.

Nature takes what it needs. No more, no less. We consume endlessly. We eat too much, consume too much, hoard endless things to pad our comfort and stockpile for ‘just in case.’ Sure, animals stockpile food but considering they have a 6 month nap coming up, that makes sense. We don’t nap for 6 months so what’s our excuse?

Nature follows rhythm. Things rest when they need to and grow when they must. The seasons dictate what needs to happen for the continued survival of things. Rest is necessary. Humans don’t seem to think so. We’re GO GO GO all the time. America has the largest number of unused PAID vacation days of any country on the planet. We apparently don’t need to rest because ain’t nobody got time for that. We work ourselves into ill health and an early grave. We’re so far beyond natural rhythms we probably wouldn’t recognize it if it paraded down State Street naked riding a unicorn.

We don’t roll with the chaos in our lives and countless of us break because of it. We’re so busy trying to get to the greener grass over the hill that we never truly bloom where we are. There are many who do and just as many who refuse to. Instead we keep searching for some elusive ‘better’ out there, never fully appreciating where we are in the moment with all the storms and sunshine that comes with it. We don’t live. To live you have to be aware of the life you’re living but we’re too busy moping over the past or obsessing about the future so the clock ticks on unnoticed. Sure, you are cooking dinner but where is your mind? Planning lunches for tomorrow? Making lists of all the chores you need to take care of before bed? Is it fully engaged on the meal you’re preparing or trying to keep the dog out of the dishwasher?

Out of the endless things to do on this planet, gardening is the only truly mindful thing I’ve found for myself. I have no clue how to carry that mindfulness into other areas of my life but nature has given me a lot to think about.

The storms won’t consume me if I am flexible. There will always be enough so there’s no need to constantly consume out of fear or habit. I’m here now so I need to BE here now. I’ve missed Scotland so much the past few weeks but constantly wishing myself there wastes my life here. Now. That doesn’t mean I’ll never go back. It means I need to look at the view along the road home instead of obsessing over the map of how to get there.

‘Have you met someone yet?’

If you’re a single woman, you’ve undoubtedly been asked ‘have you met someone yet? about a million times. I’m sure other women mean well when they ask, but quite frankly, it’s annoying.

 

To answer the perpetual question: no, I have not and let me tell you why:

The entire bed is mine with all the blankies. And the bathroom with ALL the cupboard space. The toilet seat is always down.

Everything in the fridge is mine and there’s not a single concession item in this house because I don’t have to cater for little Petunia who only eats apple sauce.

If I don’t want to cook dinner, I don’t. Ice-cream is a perfectly acceptable dinner after a shitty day. So is scotch. The good stuff.

Everything stays exactly where I put it and the only person I’m tidying up after is me.

I can listen to whatever music I want and hog the remote all day long. No-one talks during the movies or critiques my taste in music. WIN!

If I want to take a vacation somewhere, it takes about 10 minutes thinking about it. It’s my money and I’ll go where I please when I want to.

I can spend all my disposable income on books instead of food and not feel guilty.

My chores don’t include doing someone else’s jocks and socks.

If I don’t want to put on clothes, be social or talk to anyone, I don’t. Simple as that. Phone goes off and I’m unreachable.

There’s an entire room for all my weird ‘new-agey voodoo shit’ and hobbies and no-one around to roll their eyes or complain about it.

I love my decorating style where everything is mismatched. There are no communal rules to live up to.

I can move house/city/country on a whim and I have done. Several times actually and more than once the decision was based on nothing more than the swing of a pendulum. All my most important decisions are made that way.

I can spend 8 hours talking to a friend on Skype without someone having a jealous wobble about it. I don’t need permission to spend time with my friends.

So yes, I’m single. It’s going to take someone truly spectacular to change that & I’m not entirely sure that someone has been born yet. And if he has, he’s probably wearing a kilt. Just sayin’.

 

 

 

Routine but no rhythm

For those who are interested in the esoteric side of life, you’ll know that there was a lot of hoopla about this month’s full moon in Scorpio. The significance was that it opens a pathway to your truest nature and deepest passions. Energy is all over the grid; things ending; things beginning.

It’s felt ‘jagged’ for me. I don’t have a better word to describe it. It rained last night so meditating was in the general direction of the moon but no visual. This evening it’s a bit cloudy and the moon was a tad low on the horizon so the only place to see it was sitting under a tree next to the sidewalk along a busy road. Not ideal but gotta do what needs to be done. So I hauled my picnic blankie out and sat outside for a bit, feet on the wet grass. While a tad on a cold side, it felt good having grass between my toes.

it wasn’t an overly long meditation, or contemplation if you will. Sitting outside in the dark, under a tree on the sidewalk made me realize how unnoticed I was. I mean, how often do you see someone meditating on a sidewalk facing a full moon yet passing motorists had no focus other than on what they were doing. Good for the motorists, because you know, safety first, but it made me realize how unnatural life is in some ways. We don’t see what’s in front of us because we’re seeing what’s put in front of us.

There’s routine: You wake up, feed the kids/dogs/spouse, go to work, work, talk shit to people, commute home, cook, clean, shower, TV, naps, etc. and it plays out in similar sequences most days.

Then there’s rhythm: Sunrise, sunset, seasons, daylight, darkness, settling, waking up, cycles in nature and the body. We don’t live by those things most of the time. Our surroundings artificially provide light beyond the dark, we wake up at ungodly hours; there’s constant noise. It never ends. Traffic all the time in varying quantities because the stores are open 24/7 in case you need to buy a lawnmower. People work shifts so that the profit machine never needs to shut down. We eat beyond what we need because it’s there and we can. Burger and all the trimmings at 3am? You betcha! We don’t listen to our inner nature anymore. We aren’t in tune with nature because we’ve all but obliterated it in our daily lives. We’ve lost balance and turn to entertainment and medication in an attempt to fill the void where balance used to be.

The seasons are just mere weather; our lives don’t alter to match it. Foods are available all year round and if it’s not in season, then we’ll just have that shit shipped in from wherever it is in season. There’s no work and rest. We’re entertained and connected all the hours God sends so there’s no slow descent into restfulness at the end of the day. It’s lights on, lights off. Outside, the street lights are on or the sun is up. There’s never just total darkness, so we get blackout blinds to create darkness to sleep, while simultaneously working to make sure it’s never dark outside.

Where is the silence? Unless you live in the boonies, it’s never quiet. There’s a car honking, traffic, alarms or sirens. Always something. There aren’t many places to experience deafening silence, or just enough silence to sleep restfully. We don’t wake up naturally. I personally wake up to blaring bagpipes as my alarm tone so it feels like I’m ready to invade a small country within 5 minutes of waking up. Yes, I could pick something gentle, but given that I sleep with earplugs in to drown out the traffic noise so I can sleep, I need a loud alarm to get through the earplugs. See the conundrum??

Our routines seldom deviate and our rhythms are out of whack. The tragedy is that it isn’t set to change. The world won’t suddenly embrace no street lights or stores that close at 5pm. The traffic won’t go away while there are places for those people to go, or jobs to be done servicing the people who need to shop at 2am. Shift work won’t vanish while there’s money to be made.

How do we get the rhythm back? While I think the notion of having paraffin lamps would be romantic and old fashioned, I’d probably burn the block down and cannot be trusted to operate something that doesn’t have a switch. How do we tune into the natural rhythms when we’ve spent years eliminating the need for them? We don’t have to sleep when the sun goes down because lightbulbs y’all! We’ve gotten very efficient at living; packing a pile of stuff into every day. But do we actually have balance?

As fluffy as it sounds to any left-brained person, I need to find ways to embrace the natural rhythms in my life again; whether it’s the biorhythms of the body, phases of the moon or seasons of the year. Instead of routine, I need ritual; rituals that respect the rhythms of nature and of my nature. Maybe that’s the road to balance.

Some people are just poison dwarves

Last week my best friend’s daughter did her final surgical exam for her veterinarian’s degree. This woman has been a vegan since she was in kindergarten. As soon as she found out where meat came from, that was it. No more meat. 3 decades she has stuck to her guns and never wavered. Not a single day. I’ve never met another person so passionate about protecting animals to the degree that they have lived their entire life to that end since the age of 5. No compromise. Even as a small kid, she stood her ground and wouldn’t budge an inch on eating meat or animal products.

She was probably the last one to figure out she was meant to be a vet. She completed 2 degrees before the light finally went on. The rest of us have known her whole life. On the day her dream should have come true, her Prof decided to fail her because she thought she ‘didn’t handle the post-surgical conversation the way she would have done it.’ A Professor who has spent the past few months telling her that she’d never be any good, despite her results stating the exact opposite. So much for having professors who support and mentor their students for the exorbitant fees they charge… Well Prof, you don’t know her at all so we’ll see you at the appeal.

It has made me question how anyone could be so spiteful as to destroy someone’s dream, just because they have the power to do it. If it had been a failed surgical procedure, then absolutely. That’s a safety issue so fail away! But for no other reason than that their personalities didn’t gel?? How do you sleep at night knowing you have deliberately derailed someone’s life? Or do you have a good chuckle at your Machiavellian plan over a glass of wine?

How many small ways do we undermine people around us every day? Sometimes deliberately, other times unintentionally. When your kids, family, or friends tell you about their deepest dreams and hopes, do you give them encouragement, or laugh it off as ridiculous? Do you tell them to dream smaller or stop being so ambitious? Or worse, tell them to shut up? Small kids don’t have that veil of cynicism where everything is impossible. They still believe in positive outcomes so don’t be the dick who takes that away from them.

How many times have I done that? We say things for the sake of speaking without fully appreciating the impact it could have. Not everything is damaging to the degree above, but that doesn’t make it less significant. Instead, we create people who are too afraid to chase their dreams because they’re ‘not really that important.’ When you laugh off someone’s ‘pathetic little dream’, you break their spirit. Maybe permanently. Maybe they’ll never dream again because of you. To use a cliche, if you can’t say something nice, then say nothing at all. Constructive criticism is one thing if it’s to help someone improve, but picking away at someone to make them feel stupid for fun is a whole other ball of wax.

The world can be a pretty shit place; we’re hardly inundated in good news. That there are still souls out there who dream at all is a frikking miracle, considering the cesspool of bad news we inhabit. People who chase their dreams are doing something positive and constructive, and the world needs a lot more of that! Maybe their dream will make our lives a little better in the long run, who knows?

I’ve put mine in a safe box where my family can’t pick at it anymore. I’m tired of being told to suck it up and forget about going home. I’m tired of being told to ‘let it go.’ My dream is to go back to Scotland and I’ll get there. Someday. Not sure how just yet, but I’ll find a way and when I do, they’ll be the last to know.

Not everyone will support your vision but please, don’t stop chasing it. Don’t let someone with no imagination or hope diminish you. And if you don’t have a dream, don’t interrupt the people who do. If you’re not helping, you’re getting in the way and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Been way too long

Not sure how a month has flown by since I last wrote. April was a busy month; hosted friends and family which was great! It’s been ages since I’ve played hostess and forgotten how much I’ve missed it. Having a house full of family and friends was brilliant. This house finally got to do what it was built to do – making memories with people who matter.

The change of seasons is always an odd time; things end, things come back. Seeing the blandness turn back to green is restorative. At the same time I seem to have lost my ‘voice.’ I can’t order my thoughts or settle into my routine. I haven’t written in a month. The words just aren’t there and I’m not sure when they’ll be back.

Instead I finally got around to starting a herb garden, which has been on my list of things to do for years. My kitchen has been like an indoor garden with pots of seedlings all over the place. Tomatoes, thyme, rosemary, coriander, chamomile, lemon balm, basil, bok choy. Tossed in a few hot peppers & chives too. I planted them out this afternoon and the poor things look like they’ve fainted. I’m hoping they’ll perk up. They’re in pots so I’ve brought them indoors overnight because there’s a late frost on the menu this evening. Hopefully I haven’t killed them by planting them too soon.

I’m rambling so I’ll clock out and go in search of some sense.

If you’re on the fence about yoga, just try it

A few weeks back I started doing restorative yoga and in that short span of time, what a difference. I’m not talking about suddenly having the perfect body after 3 weeks, but my view of it has changed.

The biggest difference has been to how I handle stress. I can go from zero to defcon 1 in milliseconds when I’m stressed and that kind of stress is not good. The simple act of conscious breathing has put a space between the trigger and the response. That space makes a difference between instantly reacting to someone grating my carrot and taking a minute to slow down and respond rationally. By working slower, more things got done with a lot less effort. It turns out that the things that stress me out are completely inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

One yoga session focused on hip openers. Apparently we carry a lot of stress and emotional baggage in the hip and pelvic area so opening up your hips and the connective tissue in that area releases a lot of built up baggage. The class wasn’t particularly intense but the emotional and physical release after class was cathartic. I sobbed uncontrollably all the way home but couldn’t put my finger on the reason. By the time I got home I was fine again. That class made me look at my body differently.

Every single day our bodies keep us alive; functioning in the background, taking care of business while we bombard it with excess, toxins and negativity. Every cell in my body works for me and only me. In exchange for that, I pick away at every little imperfect detail berating every way it fails to live up to my warped expectation of perfection. Meanwhile it just chugs away, breathing, pumping blood, removing waste, protecting me from illness and a whole bunch of other stuff I don’t think about.

An impossible and perfect design, housing my soul, asking for very little in return. I’ve never appreciated how much my body does, yet I’ve been very quick to find all the things it can’t do. It can’t bend all the way down to put my head on my knees, it can’t fit into my skinny jeans. It has also healed every time I’ve damaged it; broken bones, shredded skin, all fixed. It has processed every piece of junk I’ve fed it and kept running when it should probably have called a time-out ages ago. It replaces all the bits that I keep snapping off. It’s a perfect system working to the best of its ability despite the constant negativity, neglect, stress and self-loathing that gets piled on.

It’s easy to focus on the flabby belly and wiggly arms but that serves no purpose. Shifting the focus to all the things it does and how much it has withstood over the years makes me want to treat it better; feed it better; love it better. My life will end when my body decides that it’s had enough of my shit so it’s probably wise to suck up to it and be nice.

Yoga has become a way of saying thank-you. Taking a slice of time each day to gently release the built up tension and stress has been the best decision I’ve made in years. Anything worth doing takes time but whether we make the effort, or whether we don’t, the time will pass anyway.