To quote Queen Elizabeth II, this has definitely been my annus horribilis. 2017 will go down as my worst vintage since 1998. The end just cannot come quickly enough.
At the end of each year I look back at the highlights of the year and while there were a few, the misery of the year just dulls whatever light they added. The Universe has delivered yet another kick to the balls for my hope to get back to Scotland. It feels like there’s no air left in my world right now; just crushing disappointment and the possibility that I need to let the dream die. Then knowing that if I let the dream die, I’ll need to make peace with making my current situation permanent and I’d rather ram a bamboo shoot under all my finger nails than agree to that. My stubbornness won’t let me make peace with that.
I’ve searched for balance this year and for the most part have been able to maintain a level of it but the last half of this year has tested my resolve beyond the limits. I’ve finally reached that limit. It feels like something inside has snapped and I’m rip-someone’s-spine-out angry.
We each bring a ‘weapon’ into this world. It’s the character trait that sees us through difficult times. Your ‘weapon’ can be your unfailing optimism, sheer stubbornness or just eternal hope that doesn’t waver in times of trouble. My ‘weapon’ has been my work ethic; the mindset that no matter how crazy things get, I can push through and deliver in the end. For the first time in my life I’m considering forfeit; just running up the white flag and saying ‘enough, I’m done.’ It’s just not worth it anymore. The prize for winning the battle is just another battle because the winners fight the next round. I’m tired and another year is ending with no hope on the horizon of the scenery changing. The horizon is just a pile of battles that still need to be dealt with and no mention of reinforcements.
Upheaval saps your energy and when there’s no time to devote to restoring that energy, it drains away taking everything with it. Higher energy brings higher things into your life and low energy brings low-energy things to your life. The past few weeks have drained what was left of my energy and all that’s left is total bedlam and no will to fight it.
There’s a time to look for the positives and there’s a time to grieve. Every day I look at the Saltire hanging on my wall and tell myself ‘soon.’ Reality is running on a different script of ‘never’ and still I cannot make myself take it down, fold it up and put it away. Holding onto that tiny speck of hope that I’ll get home is what makes this place bearable.
