Another pile of paperwork has been flung into the void in an attempt to get my name updated in all the official places. When I opted to change my name last year, it was to ditch all the baggage that was tied to it. All the misery and heartbreak that came wrapped up in that name. It never once occurred to me that trying to be more myself would be such a barrier to living the life I want in the place I need to be.
Had I known that going back to Scotland would have meant keeping a name I hated, which would I have chosen? Every week that passes makes it harder to believe I’ll ever get home. I used to share my dream with my family and friends and one by one, most of them have told me to let it go. So the dream goes back in the box when I’m around them, while I paste a plastic smile on my face pretending it doesn’t matter. To the 4 people who are helping me keep the faith, I love you guys to death and you’ll never know how much it means that you still believe in me.
It’s at the point now where I need to choose where to spend my energy. I can spend it on fighting for the what-feels-like-the-impossible dream, or I can spend it around people who drain my will to keep going. So to the people who have constantly told me to ‘let it go’, I will. I’m letting go of being your shoulder, your sounding board, the repository of your secrets and drama. I’m letting go of endlessly nursing your broken dreams and moving my energy back into nursing my own. While it might sound brutal, it’s very necessary. If it can’t be a two-way street, then it can’t be a street at all.
So before you give someone some well-meaning advice advising them to give up something that matters to them, take a minute to consider how it would feel if someone told you to abandon your dreams. If it doesn’t feel good hearing it, then it sure won’t sound good saying it.
