For Manchester

Yet another senseless act and 22 more pointless deaths. What for?? The more I try to wrap my head around it, the less I understand. There are so few things that have the capacity to unite people across barriers and beliefs and music is one of those things.

To the families and friends suffering, you have my heartfelt condolences. These words were on a card sent to me many years ago and I came across it today while clearing out. I don’t know who the author is so please forgive me for using their words:

If I could bear the burden of your sorrow, I would.

If I could, but for a minute, take away your pain and make it mine, I would.

If I could tell you that there’s a reason for this, I would.

I would do anything to take away your hurt,

but sometimes the road of life makes inexplicable twists, unfortunate turns and the whole world seems cold and heartless.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am that I can’t shelter you from this

but I want to leave you with this thought.

I am here if you want to talk, if you need to cry, if you can find comfort in sharing silence with me.

You are my friend. I care.

 

Routine but no rhythm

For those who are interested in the esoteric side of life, you’ll know that there was a lot of hoopla about this month’s full moon in Scorpio. The significance was that it opens a pathway to your truest nature and deepest passions. Energy is all over the grid; things ending; things beginning.

It’s felt ‘jagged’ for me. I don’t have a better word to describe it. It rained last night so meditating was in the general direction of the moon but no visual. This evening it’s a bit cloudy and the moon was a tad low on the horizon so the only place to see it was sitting under a tree next to the sidewalk along a busy road. Not ideal but gotta do what needs to be done. So I hauled my picnic blankie out and sat outside for a bit, feet on the wet grass. While a tad on a cold side, it felt good having grass between my toes.

it wasn’t an overly long meditation, or contemplation if you will. Sitting outside in the dark, under a tree on the sidewalk made me realize how unnoticed I was. I mean, how often do you see someone meditating on a sidewalk facing a full moon yet passing motorists had no focus other than on what they were doing. Good for the motorists, because you know, safety first, but it made me realize how unnatural life is in some ways. We don’t see what’s in front of us because we’re seeing what’s put in front of us.

There’s routine: You wake up, feed the kids/dogs/spouse, go to work, work, talk shit to people, commute home, cook, clean, shower, TV, naps, etc. and it plays out in similar sequences most days.

Then there’s rhythm: Sunrise, sunset, seasons, daylight, darkness, settling, waking up, cycles in nature and the body. We don’t live by those things most of the time. Our surroundings artificially provide light beyond the dark, we wake up at ungodly hours; there’s constant noise. It never ends. Traffic all the time in varying quantities because the stores are open 24/7 in case you need to buy a lawnmower. People work shifts so that the profit machine never needs to shut down. We eat beyond what we need because it’s there and we can. Burger and all the trimmings at 3am? You betcha! We don’t listen to our inner nature anymore. We aren’t in tune with nature because we’ve all but obliterated it in our daily lives. We’ve lost balance and turn to entertainment and medication in an attempt to fill the void where balance used to be.

The seasons are just mere weather; our lives don’t alter to match it. Foods are available all year round and if it’s not in season, then we’ll just have that shit shipped in from wherever it is in season. There’s no work and rest. We’re entertained and connected all the hours God sends so there’s no slow descent into restfulness at the end of the day. It’s lights on, lights off. Outside, the street lights are on or the sun is up. There’s never just total darkness, so we get blackout blinds to create darkness to sleep, while simultaneously working to make sure it’s never dark outside.

Where is the silence? Unless you live in the boonies, it’s never quiet. There’s a car honking, traffic, alarms or sirens. Always something. There aren’t many places to experience deafening silence, or just enough silence to sleep restfully. We don’t wake up naturally. I personally wake up to blaring bagpipes as my alarm tone so it feels like I’m ready to invade a small country within 5 minutes of waking up. Yes, I could pick something gentle, but given that I sleep with earplugs in to drown out the traffic noise so I can sleep, I need a loud alarm to get through the earplugs. See the conundrum??

Our routines seldom deviate and our rhythms are out of whack. The tragedy is that it isn’t set to change. The world won’t suddenly embrace no street lights or stores that close at 5pm. The traffic won’t go away while there are places for those people to go, or jobs to be done servicing the people who need to shop at 2am. Shift work won’t vanish while there’s money to be made.

How do we get the rhythm back? While I think the notion of having paraffin lamps would be romantic and old fashioned, I’d probably burn the block down and cannot be trusted to operate something that doesn’t have a switch. How do we tune into the natural rhythms when we’ve spent years eliminating the need for them? We don’t have to sleep when the sun goes down because lightbulbs y’all! We’ve gotten very efficient at living; packing a pile of stuff into every day. But do we actually have balance?

As fluffy as it sounds to any left-brained person, I need to find ways to embrace the natural rhythms in my life again; whether it’s the biorhythms of the body, phases of the moon or seasons of the year. Instead of routine, I need ritual; rituals that respect the rhythms of nature and of my nature. Maybe that’s the road to balance.

Some people are just poison dwarves

Last week my best friend’s daughter did her final surgical exam for her veterinarian’s degree. This woman has been a vegan since she was in kindergarten. As soon as she found out where meat came from, that was it. No more meat. 3 decades she has stuck to her guns and never wavered. Not a single day. I’ve never met another person so passionate about protecting animals to the degree that they have lived their entire life to that end since the age of 5. No compromise. Even as a small kid, she stood her ground and wouldn’t budge an inch on eating meat or animal products.

She was probably the last one to figure out she was meant to be a vet. She completed 2 degrees before the light finally went on. The rest of us have known her whole life. On the day her dream should have come true, her Prof decided to fail her because she thought she ‘didn’t handle the post-surgical conversation the way she would have done it.’ A Professor who has spent the past few months telling her that she’d never be any good, despite her results stating the exact opposite. So much for having professors who support and mentor their students for the exorbitant fees they charge… Well Prof, you don’t know her at all so we’ll see you at the appeal.

It has made me question how anyone could be so spiteful as to destroy someone’s dream, just because they have the power to do it. If it had been a failed surgical procedure, then absolutely. That’s a safety issue so fail away! But for no other reason than that their personalities didn’t gel?? How do you sleep at night knowing you have deliberately derailed someone’s life? Or do you have a good chuckle at your Machiavellian plan over a glass of wine?

How many small ways do we undermine people around us every day? Sometimes deliberately, other times unintentionally. When your kids, family, or friends tell you about their deepest dreams and hopes, do you give them encouragement, or laugh it off as ridiculous? Do you tell them to dream smaller or stop being so ambitious? Or worse, tell them to shut up? Small kids don’t have that veil of cynicism where everything is impossible. They still believe in positive outcomes so don’t be the dick who takes that away from them.

How many times have I done that? We say things for the sake of speaking without fully appreciating the impact it could have. Not everything is damaging to the degree above, but that doesn’t make it less significant. Instead, we create people who are too afraid to chase their dreams because they’re ‘not really that important.’ When you laugh off someone’s ‘pathetic little dream’, you break their spirit. Maybe permanently. Maybe they’ll never dream again because of you. To use a cliche, if you can’t say something nice, then say nothing at all. Constructive criticism is one thing if it’s to help someone improve, but picking away at someone to make them feel stupid for fun is a whole other ball of wax.

The world can be a pretty shit place; we’re hardly inundated in good news. That there are still souls out there who dream at all is a frikking miracle, considering the cesspool of bad news we inhabit. People who chase their dreams are doing something positive and constructive, and the world needs a lot more of that! Maybe their dream will make our lives a little better in the long run, who knows?

I’ve put mine in a safe box where my family can’t pick at it anymore. I’m tired of being told to suck it up and forget about going home. I’m tired of being told to ‘let it go.’ My dream is to go back to Scotland and I’ll get there. Someday. Not sure how just yet, but I’ll find a way and when I do, they’ll be the last to know.

Not everyone will support your vision but please, don’t stop chasing it. Don’t let someone with no imagination or hope diminish you. And if you don’t have a dream, don’t interrupt the people who do. If you’re not helping, you’re getting in the way and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Been way too long

Not sure how a month has flown by since I last wrote. April was a busy month; hosted friends and family which was great! It’s been ages since I’ve played hostess and forgotten how much I’ve missed it. Having a house full of family and friends was brilliant. This house finally got to do what it was built to do – making memories with people who matter.

The change of seasons is always an odd time; things end, things come back. Seeing the blandness turn back to green is restorative. At the same time I seem to have lost my ‘voice.’ I can’t order my thoughts or settle into my routine. I haven’t written in a month. The words just aren’t there and I’m not sure when they’ll be back.

Instead I finally got around to starting a herb garden, which has been on my list of things to do for years. My kitchen has been like an indoor garden with pots of seedlings all over the place. Tomatoes, thyme, rosemary, coriander, chamomile, lemon balm, basil, bok choy. Tossed in a few hot peppers & chives too. I planted them out this afternoon and the poor things look like they’ve fainted. I’m hoping they’ll perk up. They’re in pots so I’ve brought them indoors overnight because there’s a late frost on the menu this evening. Hopefully I haven’t killed them by planting them too soon.

I’m rambling so I’ll clock out and go in search of some sense.