A while back I wrote about the weird quirks South Africans and English people have. Next stop: America!
Each place has its own unique quirks; things that make perfect sense to everyone who lives there, but to strangers, not so much. A standard American greeting is ‘Hi, how are ya?’ This is absolutely NOT a question. It is a statement. If you answer that with anything resembling how you are, you get the oddest looks. 6 years I’ve been answering that damn question…
The word ‘fetch’. I told a colleague I was going to fetch a friend at the airport and got ‘Say what now?’ You know, she’s at the airport, then I will fetch her, then she’ll be with me. ‘Oh…. you mean grab?’ No. This isn’t a staged kidnapping. 100% of the time, the word ‘fetch’ in relation to anything other than a dog, causes confusion. You can grab or pick up, never fetch.
The word herb. It’s pronounced ‘erb here, and it breaks my brain every time. What happens when the guy’s name is Herb? I had a colleague who interviewed with a guy named Herb and she said she had to actually concentrate not to call him ‘erb. Oh boy….. She got the job by the way.
Trolleys (shopping carts) have cup holders. An actual place to put your beverage. Personally, I have no clue why anyone would attempt to steer a renegade trolley one-handed while attempting to consume a hot coffee. It’s like a legal version of drinking and driving. It takes an epic level of skill, which I haven’t yet mastered. Score 1 to Murica!
Frequently you’ll see people going to school, walking around the station or out shopping in their fleecy pajama pants. Yep, fleecy snowman pants, on teenage boys, in public. WHY? Last winter I was stopped behind a school bus waiting for the little darlings to get off and virtually every person on that bus was in PJ pants. No, it wasn’t ‘wear your jammies to school’ day, it is a legit thing. Not just kids, grownups too. And believe me, it’s not just in Walmart either. I checked with my nephew & he doesn’t understand either. He’s 15 going on 50, so he’s equally disturbed by this oddity. Is this a fashion trend? Sweat pants sure, but pajamas?? Really? God, I sound like my grandmother.
Rigorously defending their Constitutional right to freedom of speech on one hand, and also being utterly offended at what someone said to the point of considering legal action to remedy their hurt feelings. Best not go to South Africa then, because Saffas are notorious for having no brain-mouth filters at all. It’s likely that my cause of death will be being sarcastic at the wrong time. Oh well, ho hum. I am personally too lazy to be offended by someone else’s opinion of anything. For me to be offended, I’d have to care, and the chances are I probably don’t.
In South Africa, people often refer to themselves as stupid when they do something dumb. Do NOT attempt to call yourself stupid here, it really upsets the locals. There’s something about that word that deeply offends them, even if you’re using it in reference to yourself. Saffas also say ‘don’t be ugly’, meaning something along the lines of ‘don’t be mean/rude/whatever’. Say that in Murica and sweet baby Jesus and all the saints, people lose their shit. I can see why, but always figured the context would speak for itself. Assumption really is the mother of all fuck ups.
So to all Americans, please take this as a blanket apology in advance for all the unintentional offence I will undoubtedly cause during my lifetime and I really will try to use the correct verbiage based on geographical location. The chances of success are slim to none but I’ll give it a go.
