After I left South Africa, I moved to England. Well…. despite the fact that both countries have English as an official language, I spent the first few months not having a clue what they were talking about half the time.
TEA
Tea is tea. Tea is an occasion & tea is also food. Let that sink in for a bit. People frequently ask ‘what’s for tea?’; at which point my automatic response would be ‘uh…. tea?’ Apparently not.
Dinner, or the evening meal, is frequently referred to as tea. This is not to be confused with afternoon tea, which is an entirely different meal altogether. When someone asks what’s for tea, what they really want to know is, what’s for dinner?
If you’re meeting someone for afternoon tea, well then that’s the fancy little bite-sized cakes, with crustless cucumber sandwiches and scones with jam and cream. Oh and tea, of course. Afternoon tea simply isn’t tea without actual tea, even though it’s also a meal.
Then there’s just tea as a hot beverage. That mystical brew that has been a haven through every crisis. It doesn’t matter how devastating the news is, or how rough the day was, or how hot it might be outside, tea is ALWAYS the answer. It’s the Calm in ‘Keep Calm and Carry On.’ I didn’t realize how British I’d become until my dad fell down the stairs after his knee replacement and the first thing I did was ask him if he wanted a cup of tea. Never mind that he was sprawled on the floor. The shock of not knowing what to do or how to fix it made me instantly offer him tea. He obviously declined.
Then there’s the making of the tea. Each person has their own method; milk first, then tea. Tea first, then milk. Some heathens even go so far as to add milk to hot water, then just let the tea bag marinate until it’s the right colour. Rest assured; the Brits are extremely vocal about how to make the perfect cup of tea. I’m fairly sure a puppy dies every time someone lets a cup of tea get cold. A tea shortage would cripple the Empire. It’s that serious.
WEATHER
Good ol’ British weather. It sucks 96% of the time. I never knew there were so many different ways to refer to rain until I lived there. Each type requires a different level of preparedness to deal with it.
Brits take great pride in their shitty weather; it’s probably the most talked about thing in Britain BUT, moaning about it is reserved for Brits only. Foreigners are absolutely not encouraged to moan about the weather. If you don’t like it, you know where Heathrow is, goodbye.
As a foreigner you may talk about it and comment on the precipitation, but do not complain about it. Ever.
GARDENS
Britain is a really small island. I recall reading somewhere that you could fit England into Lake Michigan and Lake Erie combined. So it’s a fair assumption that it’s a pretty congested patch of land, which makes gardens a HUGE thing.
Summer is only 5 minutes long and the Brits will eek out every last second of enjoyment they can from their gardens. Bulbs are planted before the middle of winter, so that they can get the cold snap that helps them to bloom in spring. Spring is just a carpet of beautiful flowers, growing on the sidewalks, through the grass in the parks and people’s gardens are just packed to the hilt with bulbs.
Conservatories are big business and probably the most popular extension people add onto their homes. Think of it as a glass sun room attached to your home. They might have gardens the size of a postage stamp, but those lawns will be mowed, hedges impeccably manicured and hours spent tending to flower beds. It’s part of what makes Britain chocolate-box-pretty in the little villages.
South Africans employ people to take care of their gardens and Americans are somewhere in between South Africans and Brits. Some take gardening to the extreme, others couldn’t be bothered.
SHOPPING
When the weather is bad, Brits go shopping. They’ll straight up sit in queues of traffic to go to a shopping center, drive around for ages to find parking, then shop all day. It’s the oddest thing.
When you consider how often the weather is bad, that’s a LOT of shopping! Go to virtually any shopping center on a weekend and it will be packed to the hilt. It’s infinitely more painful over Christmas, or ANY bank holiday weekend. If you’re going shopping, it’s not going to be a 30 minutes excursion. You’re in it for the long haul.
It certainly goes a long way to explaining the level of credit card debt in the UK.
FOOD
I really got behind this weird thing. Carveries are a huge thing there. All you can eat buffets with 3 types of meat. The breakfast ones are the best!
Sunday lunches are frequently done at a pub that has a carvery and it’s one of the most popular Mother’s Day things to do. Take Mum out for a carvery.
The food thing also extends to regular food shopping. Buy one get one free offers are AMAZING!! Or the multi-buy 3 for £5 on ice-cream tubs! I picked up about 20 lbs in the first few months there because I inhaled multi-buy ready meals because I was convinced they’d never be that price again. They’re that price all the time.
Full on meals in a bag. £10 for a Chinese meal for 2, with ALL the trimmings included. The same bag meals also come in Indian and Thai!! Let’s not forget all the ‘all you can eat’ restaurants where you can stuff your face for a small price. Let me tell you, the Brits are often ridiculed for their limited cuisine but they do pub food better than anyone on the planet. Pack stretchy pants, people! You’re going to need it. I was genuinely surprised all-you-can-eat places weren’t more prevalent in the US, but guess that’s not a bad thing.
Between their dry sense of humour, their stiff upper lip crankiness, their ability to insult people in spectacular fashion without missing a beat & their fierce devotion to their football club of choice, they are the best bunch of people I’ve ever met.
It takes a while to really get to know a Brit, but once you do, you’ve got a chum for life. The true measure of their affection is how much they insult you. If they can’t be bothered to engage in banter with you, they probably don’t like you much. It’s really that simple.
