Walking used to be a meditation for me yet I’ve somehow managed to avoid it completely for the entire summer. After a lazy day of cooking I dragged myself for a late afternoon walk. There’s something calming about walking the troubles right out of my head. There should be a prescription for this stuff.
After weeks of living in my head and percolating in stress, I’ve been somewhat overdue for a light bulb moment. It turns out it was waiting on the corner for me to pick it up. Maybe epiphanies are really little balls of energy, neatly packaged at random places and we need to walk through them to absorb them.
For years I’ve had this really annoying trait where I’ll sign up for stuff, I’ll pay for it, then I’ll sit back and do nothing. Martial arts classes, cooking classes, photography, travel writing, nutrition courses, exercise programmes, things; I’ll sign on the dotted line, swipe my card, pay for it, then let it gather dust in a corner and ignore every single reminder to attend. Let me assure you, 97% of anything I’ve ever signed up for has gone unused and ignored. Even Groupons to the spa. How stupid is that?
I like the easy way out. It’s as if swiping my credit card on another fad eating plan or online course will magically make me whatever it is that I just paid for. Instantly. No effort required. No risk. It’s probably best if I don’t tally up the cost of those things….
Fear has a huge voice in my life. Fear of failing; fear of not being enough; fear of not being perfect; fear of getting it wrong and making an arse of myself. I won’t attempt something unless I know there’s a 99% chance I’ll get it right on the first attempt so I’ve essentially shelved almost everything I desperately want to do.
I’m dumb, what can I say?
My brain jabbered on at me for 2.5 miles this afternoon. Last week I signed up for a class in photography; specifically how to sell photos and create an income stream from that. A few years ago, it was a course in travel writing. I’ve never written a single thing nor did I finish the course.
This time has to be different and I am the only one who can make that a reality. The nuts and bolts of it comes down to: what do I fear most about this? Do I even want to do stock or fine art photography?
For the first time it hit me that the reason I have avoided every single thing that could improve my life is because I hinge everything on it doing just that. Improving my life. I hinge my entire future happiness on this one thing saving me instead of doing a class for the pure fun of it. My career path has never brought me an ounce of happiness and I’ve spent close on 2 decades trying to figure out what I’d rather be doing. Anything but this! So I’ve viewed writing and photography as the sole escape routes out of my current misery. Talk about pressure….
You cannot remove air from a glass. You can only move the air out by filling the glass with something else. It’s the same with living. You cannot remove the negatives from your life. You can, however, fill your life with things that make you happy, which reduces the space available for the negatives.
I’ve taken the things I enjoy doing; writing and photography, and I’ve tasked them with supporting my entire life financially. Given that very few people write a best selling book or sell a million dollar photo on their first attempt, I’ve written my creativity off as something that will never work because I can’t succeed immediately. I’ve played it safe instead of enjoying the hell out of it. I’ve left the dream safely locked in its box, undamaged, while I stare longingly at it every day. The risk of loss has been deemed too high to risk trying. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, having a passion outside of the office will probably restore my sanity in a similar way to what I’ve been hoping for all along.
In reality, the biggest loss already happened. I’ve forked out a pile of cash and the second I swiped my card, those funds were lost to the ether. Gone. I didn’t mourn the loss for a second.
So if the biggest loss has already happened, there’s nothing left on the line. Absolutely nothing. Creativity just wants to manifest itself into something. Anything. Taking that photo and writing the article/story/whatever, is all that needs to happen. There’s nothing else it needs to do other than bring me pleasure from doing it. That’s it. There’s no other sacrifice on the altar.
So what if I submit them to stock agencies and they’re rejected? What did I actually lose? Nothing. I had nothing before I sent them in, nothing after they were rejected; net result: same. If anything, the rejection will come with a lesson on what I did wrong and how to improve, which will result in a better picture next time. Bonus!
Not everyone will like what I write. It’s been like that for every writer since the dawn of time and it will always be that way. I don’t need to please everyone. Hell, I don’t need to please anyone. Gone are the days when we had to convince a publisher to give us a chance; we can self-publish or just fling it into the void like I do on this blog. Maybe people read it, maybe they don’t. But I wrote it so it exists, which is what writing is at the end of it. Goal achieved. Writing orders my thoughts and helps me understand myself. If it helps someone else do the same, great.
Fear is essential for self-preservation and our brains are exceptionally great at it. However, fear doesn’t need to be set to DEFCON 1 24/7/365. We can relax the settings a bit. Fear is the jailer that keeps us in one place for as long as we let it. Yes, the gate is locked but the key is in the cell with us. We can unlock it at anytime; we just choose not to. We quietly sit in the corner, plotting our escape but are constantly on alert in case our jailer returns and catches us mid-escape. Can’t possibly risk that.
Well, listen up people. The jailers abandoned this place decades ago; there’s no-one left but you. You’re all alone in that cell with no-one around for miles to stop you from unlocking the door and just leaving the fear behind. So stop waiting for an engraved invitation to take a chance on your happiness.
Ya coming?
Good morning, I’ve recently added social media icons to the top right-hand part of the home page. One of the icons is an e-mail subscription link. They are a new addition to my blog so whether or not they work, remains to be seen. Try clicking on the e-mail icon and please let me know if it doesn’t work so I can try and find a way to rectify that. Have a great day,
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