Ramblings incoming:
What you think, you become. Or so they say. For close on 10 months, my all-consuming thoughts have been of going home and yet, here I sit with a rejection on the visa that would take me there.
REJECTED. I can’t go home.
It’s difficult to wrap my head around it right now; I’m still in the denial phase of this train wreck. Of all the eventualities I’d planned for, NO was not one of them. It’s pointless pretending I’m anything less than devastated.
The logical thing is to regroup and come up with a Plan B to move my focus onto goals I can achieve right now. Narrowing down the list of goals isn’t too difficult; finding the motivation to do anything about them is proving to be more than a little challenging.
Top of the list of stuff to fix is my career. After 19 years in finance, I think it’s safe to say I’m overdue for a change. The question is: is the drive to change it greater than the fear preventing me from doing it? To date the answer has been no; so I’ve stayed, despite it crushing my spirit in daily installments. The time has come to look at that question very deeply and tally up the cost of NO.
Being a profit minion will always overrule any right I have to my own life and every time I sit down in my cube, I tacitly choose this reality. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that this is happening to me. It happens because I choose it. I get angry, frustrated and bitter and yet every day I put on my collar and lead myself to purgatory, all the while complaining about it.
Why do we do that? In varying degrees, we do this every day. That has been the cost of NO.
What would be the price of YES?
Starting a new job, not knowing if I’ll be any good. Ok… how many times have I done that in my life and survived without the world imploding in on itself? 9.
Meeting new people and worrying about not fitting in. There have been countless times of meeting new people, whether it was at school, college, jobs, new cities, social gatherings, etc. How many times have I not fit in? A few but for the most part, it turned out ok in the end. Uncomfortable, but not impossible.
Not having experience in a new industry/career. Yeah, welcome to every.single.job I’ve ever had. I’ve arrived knowing nothing, learned how to do it and then got good at it.
Uncertainty. Yep, that will be par for the course when changing careers but then again, I’ve lived in 3 countries, a few cities, had multiple jobs, tried my hand at sports and hobbies I knew nothing about and I haven’t melted into a puddle of goo. So what’s one more time?
Not being good enough. Aye. This ol’ chestnut. I’ve always been good enough. Maybe not on day 1 but I get there every single time. I’m not content with average so while I might be rough around the edges to start with, I will make myself good enough.
Not making enough to live on. Life is simple when you choose to make it so. The measure of how we see success determines the size of the measure used to determine ‘enough.’ What’s enough for one is not nearly enough for another. My ‘enough’ doesn’t require an 80 hour work week and 6 figure salary. 6 figures is a bonus but not if it comes at the cost of my peace.
Writing out all the reasons why I’m afraid to change has made me realize how small and pathetic those reasons are when measured against the cost of staying the same.
Fear has kept me living small until I was pushed past the fear; sometimes against my will, sometimes willingly.
Every time I’ve gone beyond my fear, I’ve gained experience and strength. If I’d let my fear of failing stop me from learning to scuba dive, I would never have met my best friend and I’d never have seen some of the most beautiful sights in my life.
Despite the perpetual fear of not being good enough, I went to art classes and learned to paint. I’m not Michelangelo but I like the pictures hanging on my walls.
Lack of experience has not kept me in a small box. I’ve taken the lack and I’ve learned, I’ve grown and I’ve pushed myself to excel each time because I won’t accept anything less.
Not fitting in is kind of my thing in this world. I’ve always been the spiky toy in the box, the one who has no filters and doesn’t conform on principal. What has that gotten me? Equally crazy friends whom I adore to bits!
Uncertainty? Yeah, every damn day. I hate it but I handle it because that’s what it means to put on your big girl panties.
Looking at these reasons dispassionately through the lens of logic highlights how high the price of NO has been. And how unnecessary…
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