2 weeks ago I wrote about pulling the trigger and trusting. After weeks of looking for signs and not seeing any, I took matters into my own hands and flung my application into the void. It was hit the ground or fly.
Tragically, the signs were right and instead of trusting them, I pushed ahead. They said no. I don’t know why yet; I need to wait for their ‘official explanation letter’ which will find its way to me next week hopefully.
To say I’m completely crushed and devastated is an understatement of note. I never anticipated not being allowed to return, given that I still meet the criteria for that kind of visa. Maybe it’s something simple that can be fixed; maybe it’s something I can’t get around. I guess I’ll know next week when my documents are returned to me.
I didn’t learn to fly this time around and hit the ground at record speed. It’s left me feeling broken and depressed. I know this is temporary and things happen as they should. Maybe I should have trusted the signs the way I used to. Patience is not something I’ve mastered in this incarnation and this is certainly a lesson in how not to force your will on a situation that isn’t ready for it.
Despite this rather substantial kick in the balls I don’t have, I’m not ready to run up the white flag on my dream yet. It might just take some creative problem solving to find a way. Whether that is taking a long holiday there every year, or finding a way to split my time between locations. That would obviously involve working for a part of the year stateside to fund a few months away. There might be a limit on living there full time but there’s no limit on being a tourist for 6 months a year.
To have a lifestyle that allows me to do that is going to require a level of bravery I haven’t mustered yet. Using my creativity to create income streams and taking a leap of faith that maybe, just maybe, I am good enough. Creative folk are their own harshest critics and it’s easy to find reasons why we’ll never make it out there, believing we can’t make our own way when faced with the superior competition other people bring to the table. It’s easier to find the beauty in someone else’s offerings than finding the positives in our own.
Maybe life isn’t the competition we make it out to be. Maybe there’s space for all the dreams we bring to the table. Maybe hitting the ground was necessary to force me to fly in the direction I’ve been too scared to go.
Until I know what reason I’m up against, all that’s left to do is dust off the devastation and soldier on. After all, that’s the Scottish solution to everything from a small disappointment to a marauding invasion, along with a decent Scotch.
