Month: August 2016

When plans go tits up…

2 weeks ago I wrote about pulling the trigger and trusting. After weeks of looking for signs and not seeing any, I took matters into my own hands and flung my application into the void. It was hit the ground or fly.

Tragically, the signs were right and instead of trusting them, I pushed ahead. They said no. I don’t know why yet; I need to wait for their ‘official explanation letter’ which will find its way to me next week hopefully.

To say I’m completely crushed and devastated is an understatement of note. I never anticipated not being allowed to return, given that I still meet the criteria for that kind of visa. Maybe it’s something simple that can be fixed; maybe it’s something I can’t get around. I guess I’ll know next week when my documents are returned to me.

I didn’t learn to fly this time around and hit the ground at record speed. It’s left me feeling broken and depressed. I know this is temporary and things happen as they should. Maybe I should have trusted the signs the way I used to. Patience is not something I’ve mastered in this incarnation and this is certainly a lesson in how not to force your will on a situation that isn’t ready for it.

Despite this rather substantial kick in the balls I don’t have, I’m not ready to run up the white flag on my dream yet. It might just take some creative problem solving to find a way. Whether that is taking a long holiday there every year, or finding a way to split my time between locations. That would obviously involve working for a part of the year stateside to fund a few months away. There might be a limit on living there full time but there’s no limit on being a tourist for 6 months a year.

To have a lifestyle that allows me to do that is going to require a level of bravery I haven’t mustered yet. Using my creativity to create income streams and taking a leap of faith that maybe, just maybe, I am good enough. Creative folk are their own harshest critics and it’s easy to find reasons why we’ll never make it out there, believing we can’t make our own way when faced with the superior competition other people bring to the table. It’s easier to find the beauty in someone else’s offerings than finding the positives in our own.

Maybe life isn’t the competition we make it out to be. Maybe there’s space for all the dreams we bring to the table. Maybe hitting the ground was necessary to force me to fly in the direction I’ve been too scared to go.

Until I know what reason I’m up against, all that’s left to do is dust off the devastation and soldier on. After all, that’s the Scottish solution to everything from a small disappointment to a marauding invasion, along with a decent Scotch.

Choose your rope carefully

Happiness is a fairly nebulous concept. It can include everything, nothing and every combination in between. Each person’s formula for it is different but it’s almost guaranteed that everyone alive wants it, to some degree or another. I mean, no-one wants to be miserable, right? So that would mean they would choose happiness if given a choice.

I haven’t quite figured out my entire happiness formula yet; it’s more of a constant work in progress. Parts of my formula include moody seas, mountains, simplicity, balance, happy relationships with my friends and family. FREEDOM. Scotland contains quite a few of those elements, which is why it keeps calling me back.

I’d love a life where I could write, take photos & travel and make a living doing those things. A life where my time is my own with no schedule to live to; where I’m no more fixed than a leaf floating down a river, free to go where life takes me. Instead I’m anchored in one place, to one job, in one life. Life isn’t smooth sailing, it’s not meant to be. If I had to draw a comparison, I’d choose a hurricane. Total mayhem and carnage, chaos and madness, followed by a period of calm for a while, then it all kicks off again.

When we anchor ourselves to one fixed outcome, we’re a bit like a boat in hurricane. When the seas rise, our boat is tied to a short rope and we cannot rise with the water. We can only go as far as the rope allows, and if the rope isn’t long enough the boat will sink or it will snap. Either way, it’s a pretty shitty scenario.

Being free to float with life’s waves, there’s a fairly good chance we can ride out the waves if we stay balanced. Without balance, the boat will tip over and sink anyway. Balance and flexibility are the keys.

Debt is an anchor with a very short rope. We are leashed to our jobs in the hope it will keep the sea of debt from drowning us. The constant onslaught of advertising keeps us wanting more things, more stuff, the trappings of ‘success’ and each time we fall prey to ‘stuff’, the shorter that rope gets.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a judgment against possessions. It’s a call to evaluate your happiness formula. If happiness is building a comfortable life with all the creature comforts and luxuries, then absolutely do it! Always choose happiness, no matter what shape that comes in for you. My disclaimer here is don’t let the price you pay for that happiness be an anchor tying you to a bad thing. You cannot buy happiness with debt. The debt might buy you a pretty fancy boat but remember, being fancy didn’t save the Titanic. Bad luck and shitty planning can have dire consequences, no matter how big and safe you think your boat is.

There is security in being neatly anchored in a harbour and that’s absolutely OK. We’re not meant to want the same things in life; that’s the party. I’m a no-anchor kinda gal, which terrifies my family regularly because they are mostly safely-in-the-harbour people. They love me anyway even while I’m sawing through the last anchor rope holding me here.

If you need an anchor, roots, a steady shelter, then my only request is: find things that make your rope longer so you can ride out the storms. Anything that shortens that rope is a huge fat minus sign in your happiness formula. ADD rope, don’t minus it away. The longer your rope, the easier it is to ride over the waves because trust me, there will ALWAYS be waves.

Sometimes you need to just pull the trigger and trust

A little over a year ago I was sitting in my bathtub, writing a blurb about synchonicity and the piece ended with the lyrics from the Nickelback song, what are you waiting for? 

I’ve been looking for signs, anything to clutch at that makes me 100% sure moving is the right thing and there haven’t been any. Sitting on the train this morning, nauseous at the idea of another day as a cog in the profit machine of corporate America, my playlist flipped to that song. I haven’t listened to it in months. And there it was.

Are you waiting for the right excuse?
Are you waiting for a sign to choose
While you’re waiting it’s the time you lose
What are you waiting for?
Don’t you wanna spread your wings and fly?
Don’t you wanna really live your life?
Don’t you wanna love before you die?
What are you waiting for?

Exactly that. Losing time waiting for a sign so I know it’s safe to choose.

So I walked to work, sat down and chose. I clicked submit on my visa app and have a biometric appointment on Friday. So now it’s down to:

Everybody’s gonna make mistakes
But everybody’s got a choice to make
Everybody needs a leap of faith
When are you taking yours?

So true to my usual gypsy style of decision-making, I’ve taken a step off a cliff into the void, trusting it to take me home. I’ll hit the ground or fly.

Let the games begin…