Month: April 2016

You were my best friend’s brother. We’ve never met and never will. Not in this world anyway.

Through a random roll of the cosmic dice, you are gone. The laws of physics state that nature abhors a vacuum. Empty spaces must be filled; physics dictates that to be the case.

Your life was extinguished; maybe before its time; maybe in perfect time. No-one can know. The messages people have left in memory of your life speak of a life filled to the brim. Your hours were filled with hunting, hiking, fishing, camping. Family. Work was a side gig to enable what you loved. Work was not your life.

The pages of your book were filled with the things that brought you happiness and peace. Too often it’s the other way and work is all-consuming. The be-all and end-all of existence. Thankfully that was not the case with you.

You filled your pages with things that your family can look back on and smile over. Maybe not now, but someday. They will look at the example you left and realise that the meaning of life was left in the pages of your life.

They don’t understand now. They want more pages for you. Lots more pages. Pages that include them and pages that mean you’re still there. But you’ve gone.

Too much time is spent trading what is irreplaceable for what is replaceable. We trade our time for things. Things are replaceable; time is not.

You spent your time on irreplaceable moments of joy. Like for like; as it should be. That lesson is something those who know you, will take with them. Hopefully they will carry that memory from this day onward. The note to LIVE. Fill your days with what makes your heart sing because there’s no way of knowing how many verses this song called Life has.

Nature abhors a vacuum. You didn’t leave one. You filled every page of your book with no space remaining. Nature cannot move in to fill the space you have left. You left no space for regret and THAT is a life well lived. However short it may have been. You are irreplaceable.

Know that you have left the ultimate gift. A map on how to LIVE.

No-one wants to close the book on someone they love, but you wrote the perfect book. No blank spaces.

Rest in peace, Andre.

The idea of soulmates is not something to be taken lightly. Some scoff it off as fairy tales; others believe.

I’ve often wondered if I’ll ever find mine. The pessimism of reality tries to drown out the single spark of hope but somehow that spark won’t die. I want to believe he’s real.

This is something I wrote a long time ago to the soulmate I haven’t found yet.

Tens of thousands of words in existence, millions if you count all the languages. Yet here I sit and I cannot find the words. You have to wonder if there are words that haven’t been found yet because sometimes you come up against a feeling or thought and all the words in existence are suddenly MIA. Cannot find a single one to make the feeling real.

Maybe the feeling has a color, a smell, a sound. Blue. The most epic shade of blue framed in a smile that could melt any resistance in its path. The sound of that laugh is something burned so deep into my mind that I don’t know that I could erase it if I tried. I wouldn’t want to. There’s an empty space that the sound fills perfectly.

The pure terror that comes from knowing something without knowing how you know it. Are you from another time and place? Another lifetime? Are we back at the start again for the hundredth time because we walk this road in every incarnation? Are you the treasure I seek each time, sometimes to be found, other times not?

My hands want to reach out for you, to feel your skin, to absorb your heat. It’s getting harder to resist, I’m only so strong and the gravity of you is something I can’t fight forever. You’re orbiting me and each orbit is bringing you closer. When we collide will that be the end of life as we know it? Complete destruction of everything that went before, a slate wiped clean only to begin a new life form after the collision.

It wouldn’t be the first time. The gravity that draws us together cannot be stopped. Each lifetime ends the same way. You with me. Me with you. One. The end result never changes.

So we build in challenges, set up obstacles to be overcome because where is the fun in the same game each time? New challenges to overcome just to prove we will not be kept apart. With no memory of previous lifetimes the only clue we have each time is an aching emptiness that cannot be filled by anything or anyone else. The emptiness is deafening in its longing; a soundless scream into the void calling the other and then our gravity moves everything in its path to bring us back into orbit again. We latch on and we start circling each other in the eternal game that will end in us morphing into one again.

The search for the twin flame continues.

It’s been a while since I last checked in. Things have been somewhat chaotic of late.

My brother is finally up and running and returned to work today. We’re very grateful for the support and kind words people sent through. The kindness of strangers cannot be overstated!

As far as possible, I’ve tried to work on the concept of my 4 rooms for well-being; physical, mental, emotional & spiritual.

The physical room is finally getting a long overdue airing out. Daily walks are back on the menu now that it’s warming up. Thank heavens! It’s become my walking meditation. I walk off my stress and think through whatever’s bugging me. It’s a 2 for 1 bargain! Pretty soon it will be light enough in the mornings to walk to the station – YAY!

Seeing nature come alive again is such a mental boost. It’s a reminder that no matter how bleak and shitty things look or how long it lasts, the light will always return. The grass is definitely greener!

The mental room is more organised. Focusing intently for shorter periods of time got better results than slogging away endlessly with half a mind. Learn to say no when there are too many things on your plate. I know, easier said than done, but just once, SAY IT. NO.

Homesickness gave the emotional room a rather hard knock. When you’re trying to stay afloat in a sea of chaos, it’s difficult to keep your focus. Progress on my plans to move to Scotland ground to a half for a while, which left me feeling like I was trying to achieve the impossible.

Since the last time I wrote, I’ve passed my citizenship test and will be doing my oath ceremony at the end of the month. As I’m doing a formal name change with my citizenship, there’s the small matter of changing my existing passport with the South African embassy. What I thought would take a few weeks to do turns out to be more like 18 months. Finding out that I’d possibly need to delay my move by 18 months was the emotional equivalent of shooting my childhood puppy. Total devastation.

Thankfully the UK visa people are logical and the court order will be sufficient for them to link my old and new names for a visa without needing to change my birth certificate. WAHOOOOOOO! The day I found that out felt like I’d won the lottery!!

Little things like that make me believe the universe will make this move happen for me. It will work.

Spiritually I’ve made time to feed my soul things that make me happy. Reading, music and walking meditations have created an oasis of calm in the chaos.

I’d love to figure out why when one area of life falls into balance, something else falls out. It’s as if there needs to be something out of whack or things wouldn’t be right with the world.

On the plus side, there are more rooms in balance than ones that are out of whack so that’s a step in the right direction.

Serenity is achievable; now only to remember how.