December 2015 - My Soul is Scottish

BYE BYE 2015! It’s Hogmanay!!!

Scots are celebrating Hogmanay, the New Year’s Eve celebration that puts Christmas festivities to shame. It’s the only way to end one year and usher in the next one. Not having celebrated one in Scotland yet I envision something that pretty much lives up to the American mantra of GO BIG OR GO HOME!

As for the rest of us, it’s that day of the year again where we all sit around reflecting on what happened in the past year. For some of us that means sitting around completely depressed that once again, we failed to accomplish anything on our list of resolutions and there’s now ANOTHER 10 lbs added to the list of things to take care of in the New Year.

New Year’s Eve has traditionally been my Groundhog Day. Drowning my sorrows in a glass of wine so I wouldn’t have to admit to being a lazy cow with no motivation or discipline to see anything through.

I can’t honestly remember everything that was on my list of resolutions for 2015 though I’m fairly certain I didn’t accomplish many of them.

If I had to hazard a guess it would be the usual culprits:

Lose 20 lbs – I lost the same 1 lb about 6 times if that counts for anything

Start yoga – Nope. Still haven’t done this.

Find a fulfilling job – Instead I got a promotion so now I’m now doing MORE of the same work that drives me nuts.

Start WRITING! – well…….. I guess I technically might have done some of this though more for my own eyes instead of an audience.

Meet a guy – BAHAHAHAHA no. I didn’t do this either.

Find balance and order in my life – I did for about 2 weeks when I was in Scotland. Now that I know what this mystical goal looks like, I can work on getting it back.

It’s very easy to dwell on everything we haven’t done and pile on the self-loathing as punishment for yet another failed attempt at living the dream. This year I’m opting out of my Groundhog Day.

Sure, there’s a pile of things I didn’t do this year. I’m sure the list above isn’t an all-inclusive inventory of my failings for 2015 but there’s exactly nothing I can do to rewrite any of those days at the finish line. So I’m not going to get my knickers in a twist about it today.

What I am going to do is look at what I did do, albeit unexpectedly:

I found the place I’ve been homesick for since the beginning of time.

I finally had the surgery I’ve been fighting for over the past decade and I’m healing ahead of schedule. I’m eternally grateful for finding just the right doctor, she’s an angel! I finally have my body and sanity back. RIP shark week, it’s been real.

I caught up with old friends I haven’t seen in years and had an amazing time with them in Scotland. It was too short but I’ll be home soon so it’s all good. One of them was a school friend I haven’t seen since I left high school in 1994! We’ve Skyped every week for over a year but getting to be in the same place and catch up was incredible! If you’ve lost touch with old friends, look them up again. It’s a pile of good times just waiting to happen.

I got a promotion. Granted, it’s not the dream job I was looking for at the beginning of the year but it’s put me in a better position financially for a job I was already doing. That’s a plus.

I’ve ‘met’ some incredible people on Myfitnesspal (which is brilliant free site that I use in my quest to lose the stubborn 20 lbs – give it a go if you have poundage to shift). They’re an amazing bunch of nutters. One of them popped into Chicago for a long weekend and we got to meet up and had a great day. There’s definitely something to be said for virtual friends. Sure, there are crazies out there, you just need to find the crazies that fit for you. I’ve definitely found mine. We ‘chat’ daily and it’s like having coffee with the girls. We’re all headed in the same direction and that’s what matters.

I finally went to Madison County to take the photos I’ve been threatening to take since I got here 5 years ago. I opted out of my birthday this year and booked a spur of the moment trip to Iowa. I holed up in a one horse town in the middle of nowhere and went to see the covered bridges from the movie, The Bridges of Madison County. I hope it’s the beginning of a new annual tradition of going somewhere I’ve always wanted to go.

Roseman Bridge Imes Bridge Holliwell Bridge Holliwell 2 Imes 2 Hogback Bridge Graffiti Cutler-Donahue Bridge Cedar sepia

I took a solo trip abroad. I never thought I’d ever manage that in a million years. I’ve traveled alone numerous times but not taken an entire vacation solo. I might be crazy and a slight gypsy but deep down I’m a bit of a pansy. It turns out I can do stuff on my own without melting. I don’t have to have someone in my life to be able to live. While I did meet up with friends for a few days, the bulk of my trip to Scotland was solo.

I took a photography class. It’s been on my bucket list for years. There was a Groupon and I finally mustered up the courage to do it. There’s still a lot to learn and I love doing it.

I filed my citizenship papers. In a few short weeks I’ll finally have something other than my ball-and-chain South African passport. This will open up a pile of places to travel to without the fuss of needing a visa. Oh happy days!

My friends have hounded me to start a blog for ages so here I am. It’s the last day of 2015 and it is done. It never hurts to squeeze in one last goal at the finish line.

While I accomplished exactly nothing that I set out to do, I’ve done more of the things that actually matter to me. That’s what I’m taking with me from 2015.

It was a good vintage.

It all started a long, long time ago….

For as long as I can remember I’ve been homesick for a place I wasn’t sure existed. I’ve constantly moved around, hoping to accidentally stumble on the place to call home. 16 moves, 3 countries and 10 years later, I’ve finally found it.

I left South Africa in 2005 and relocated my life, a piano and 2 boxes of books to Dorset, England and set up a life for a few years. During that time I made 2 trips to Scotland and both times it felt like I’d gone home. My DNA seems to unravel on the shores of Loch Ness. I become an emotional blithering heap of crazy when I stand next to that Loch.

One of my pet projects in 2015 was to do my family tree. I managed to trace some branches on my Dad’s side back to the late 1500’s. There are strong ties to England, Wales and Ireland. The only link I couldn’t find was to Scotland. The one place that feels like home. Oh the irony….

I got fed up with life in England and the plan was to relocate myself to Edinburgh but then life got in the way. I headed west instead of north and ended up in Chicago in 2010. Because that’s the same…

I’ve been a fish out of water ever since. On a whim I booked a trip to Scotland for my 2 week vacation this year. The urge got to the point where it was go to Scotland or go insane. Scotland seemed like the cheaper alternative. So I went. Home.

For 2 blissful weeks order and balance were restored and life flowed effortlessly. Then the hourglass ran out and I had to put my butt onto a stupid-o-clock flight out of Edinburgh. I’ve been homesick ever since.

Where there was order there is now chaos. Where there was sense there is now confusion. Total mayhem has replaced the mental balance. I know where I need to be and it’s going to mean rearranging my entire universe to get back there. So be it.

On Friday, November 13, 2015 I stood next to Loch Ness and promised myself I would be home in 1 year.

My balance and bliss need to be restored. I have no idea how to do that but I’m game to figure it out on the road back home.

Little Choices

At every major juncture in life there is a choice which will inevitably change the course of your life beyond that point. We’re very good at postponing our happiness until we reach one of these pivotal milestones. ‘When I finish college…’, ‘when I get married….’, ‘when we have kids…’ blah blah. The list is endless. For some inexplicable reason happiness can only ever be measured by these mile markers along the road of life.

What we fail to realize is that it’s the little choices at every turn that shape which major milestones we’ll eventually pass along the way. Not every road passes the College sign, or the turn-off to Marriage and Kids.

We’re so hung up on looking for the big stuff that the little details fall by the wayside, unnoticed and ignored.

Hindsight will eventually let you see those details for what they are. Life. Those details are your life. Maybe by the time you opt to use the Hindsight feature, it’s too late to change anything.

I’ve been battling the meaning of life questions internally for 2 decades. I’ve had some epiphanies along the way. I’ve also found more questions which have driven me to endless distraction. What it usually boils down to is the bottomless question of: What am I meant to be doing with my life? What will make me happy? What am I missing?!

It turns out those weren’t the right questions. Not for me anyway. They’re more like sub-questions inside of a larger problem. My question has always been: where do I belong? Through a long convoluted and serendipitous set of events, I ended up spending my 2 week vacation in Scotland this year. It was the best impulsive decision I’ve made in years! In the space of 2 short weeks I found what I’ve been searching for all this time: Balance, beauty and bliss.

Almost 3 weeks after returning from Scotland I had a hysterectomy. That was 10 days ago. It’s hard to believe that a month ago I was 4,000 miles away from where I am now. I’m not feeling particularly balanced, blissful or much in the mood to find the beauty in the details right now.

On Friday, 13^th November 2015 I stood on the shores of Loch Ness in the rain, watching the mist roll in over the water. I stood under a tree at the water’s edge and made a promise. I bought 2 crystals in Edinburgh, Falcon’s Eyes, and I tossed one of them into the Loch. The other went into my bra next to my heart where it stayed every day until I went into the hospital; an invisible tie to the one place on earth I felt most at home. It’s a constant reminder to keep the promise I made that day; to find my way home, no matter what it takes. I gave myself 1 year to make good on that promise.

Scotland brought me balance, beauty and bliss. Spiritual and emotional balance. The details that bog down my daily existence stateside didn’t make an appearance at all while I was there. I wasn’t calorie-obsessed like I am here. If I wanted a cream tea, I had one. I fed myself delicious foods in just the right quantities. Nothing was supersized and it was easier to buy food that wasn’t caked in chemicals and artificial crap. I’m not saying those options weren’t around, they just weren’t as prevalent. Food was a pleasure, not a daily demon to be fought.

In the 2 weeks I was there I had either breakfast or afternoon tea at the same coffee shop on the corner every day. I ate my way through a chunk of their menu. Seriously, they should pay their chef whatever the hell he wants because it was sublime. The staff came over to say goodbye on the last day I was there. All of them. They were such a brilliant bunch.

There was beauty in everything. The architecture, the history, the people, the countryside. The Highlands were breathtakingly beautiful despite the desolation of winter. I’m not religious but I went into churches and cathedrals to soak up the silence and beauty of it all. There was so much detail in the carvings and glass that you could spend weeks there and not see all the meaning hidden in the details.

Finding balance and being surrounded by the beauty of the place led to pure bliss. It rained most days yet walking out in the rain didn’t make me cranky. There was so much to see and hear and taste that the rain was just another detail in the daily tapestry of Scottish life.

There’s something that has drawn me to that place for as long as I can remember. This was not my first trip there and each time the feeling has been the same: I’m finally home.

Leaving this time was the hardest thing I’ve done in years. I couldn’t stop the tears when the plane left the tarmac and headed south to London.

It feels like a lifetime ago since I left and a lot has changed since I got back to Chicago. My body has undergone a bit of an adjustment and is still recovering. Work is still the same and I know it needs to change. Food has once again become a daily battle and the balance I brought back with me has been replaced with internal chaos.

I’ve just hurtled past the ‘NO KIDS’ mile marker on my path. I’m not entirely sure what the next major intersection is going to be, I’m hoping it is a one way ticket to Edinburgh International but that remains to be seen.

The reality vs. the expectation for the surgery ended up poles apart. I was expecting it to be more painful and traumatic than it has been. That’s in large part thanks to my doctor, who I’m sure is an angel, and the stellar nurses who looked after me in hospital. They were absolute angels and I’m sure it could have gone very differently had they not been part of my care.

Strangely enough, the hardest part of it all has been the limitations. I cannot drive for a few weeks, I’m largely dependent on others for help which is something I’m finding hard to adjust to. I’m used to getting things done and being the one others rely on for help. Being the helpless one has been difficult and has had me in tears in my bed more than once. I’m SO grateful to my sister for everything she’s doing for me, she’s been my rock since the op and there’s no measure of thanks that would do her justice.

What I didn’t expect was the absence of friends. People I thought would be there haven’t been and that’s been gutting. I guess I expected they would help me in the ways I’ve helped them and that hasn’t been the case. It’s been hard to accept that they haven’t been there when I’ve needed them but it is what it is. It has made me question my role in their lives and the level of care I put into others at the expense of my sanity. My priorities need to shift because at the moment they’ve heavily stacked on the ‘what’s good for everyone else’ side of the equation. There’s no balance.

Between today and tomorrow are a bunch of little choices and teeny little winding roads that can be taken. In among all of that is balance, beauty and bliss. There’s also chaos, carnage and mayhem if I don’t choose wisely.

Whatever meaning of life questions you’re grappling with right now, pick one thing (or 3) that you know brings you a measure of peace and happiness. Once you have that, start looking for the little decisions that will take you to more of that. It is the consistent choices in favor of your goal that will eventually get you there.